My dearest D.,
This is probably the last letter I may write publicly to you and certainly on this site. You see, it's time to leave the pain behind.......
Today arose a strange and unplanned juxtaposition of 3 significant happenings.
In your diary, you wrote for Nov 1st., 'Cancer Metastases!' That's all. Didn't really need to say anything else. 2 years ago. Your day of diagnosis. I'd stopped remembering 'dates' and 'anniversaries' and counting weeks and months since........... but had to find an obscure address, so I went to your diary. And then I saw it.
And today, I'd arranged to go back to the hospice to talk to your chief doctor. Talk about anything to do with your time in that hospice, etc ..... such as it was. Try to put everything to rest. I think I already had a perspective on things, and today's visit just reinforced that & reinforced that it was, quite simply, Your Time. Everything possible was done. It Was how It Was. And the details are not for here. They are for you & me & our kids to know. And perhaps I can now close the box, put the lid on things etc etc. What a wonderful team looked after you, D. They really knew you, knew the sort of man you were, were doing everything they could to help you to grasp Life and keep going. But you couldn't. And they couldn't either, in the end. So I walked away, standing as tall as the tallest mountain, breathing oh so deeply, and bam........... right in the guts when I wasn't looking. So I had to go to the chapel, look at the blue and yellow window, walk the labyrinth, light a candle, sit quietly and remember you......... God damn it. You left this city as you arrived in it. You were never going quietly, were you, you crazy man.
I arrived home to find an email from the man who is carving your headstone. I've left it this long to finalise the details. Well, you weren't going anywhere were you? And the design and the lettering and everything about it is my tribute to you and what we all feel about you. Don't care if it bankrupts me. It's what you deserve.
3 events. One day. The same date.
In the last 2/3 weeks, I have heard myself say, 'I am so lucky,' many times. I AM SO LUCKY. Can't believe I can say that. Never thought it would be possible. I have friends (and what friends they are, too), lovely kids, wonderful neighbours..... how lucky am I? And most of all, I have a choice. You didn't have, my dearest, and that makes me oh so sad. But I am going to make the best of that choice, remembering the man who made it possible for me to keep going, keep living, taking every chance that comes along to make the best of every bloomin' day. And oh I am so so grateful for the time I spent with you - annoying, irritating, impossible, intolerant, etc etc as you were but also .....generous, thoughtful, dignified, stoical, determined, brave and oh so bloody loveable.
And I have worked something out which makes me smile....... When they bury me on top of you, as I decay, just possibly, one or two of my molecules may join with one or two of your molecules and we will make a blade of grass. How bloody amazing is that. That, my friend, is resurrection. And that, my dearest, is how I will see you again. And I can accept that idea and smile.
Time to go, get on with Life and Seize the Day, on your behalf and mine. Thank you dear D. Thank you a thousand million times over. God was I lucky to meet you.......
Jen X
