It frightens me how quickly time passes and that as each day goes by, it's another day without my dad in my life. He passed away in May just 3 days before his birthday. My dad had never had the best health physically and mentally - he had a real rough ride of it. But Cancer. That's something else.
Cancer flips your world upside down... puts you into this surreal state of 'Why?'... terminal cancer however is a bizarre one. Denial - ' Your father could have a few months to a year'.
How are you meant to digest that?
Life became the hospital and the ins and outs of the NHS and it's staff - boy, do they work hard. My world for 9 weeks was inside a bubble. Everything felt fuzzy. Bad fuzzy.
And now I feel like everyone thinks it's all okay. Like I've dealt with it and can move on but he was my dad. MY dad. I'm only going to get one of those. I don't have brothers and sisters but am lucky enough to be very close to my mum. She's gone away this week for a break and it feels horrible to be honest. Myself and my partner are living with my mum for a year to support her and to try to save for a deposit for a house.
I remember reading that people who'd suffered a loss didn't want to burden their friends with their worries and I thought that I would never feel that way. I am lucky to have a lovely boyfriend and a close group of friends, but today, I can't burden them with this. I don't know why and I know they'd be there 100% but I can't. it's too private. Too personal. It hurts too much.
Another thing that I am finding is that my impatience to move my life forward is growing - to buy a house...get married... get a dog...have a baby...travel... make a big purchase. It's stupid, but I feel the first big thing to happen in my life is something awful. And then at the same time I want the time to stand still...
Goodness, it's not until you start letting it out that it starts to feel okay to be feeling like this.
