Today I had my final Chemo - on my terms, i.e.no deviation in the full Fec75 dosage in spite of reacting harder than had been hoped for. my hb is 10.9, my wbc 11.2, plts 253 and nuetrophils are 6.9 but Ihave reached my target and although I am already moaning about the recognised reactions I thank heaven for aids such as portacaths and my staple Dom Peridone and the fact that this continues to work for me in spite of my fears regarding overuse - the nausea and at this stage the retching is quite horrendous for me and yet there is also a sense of rejoicing that from now on things will improve - 6 weeks of 5 days a week radiotherapy has to be a 'sort of' walk in the park in comparison to having cytotoxins pumped into me - and if not, I know I am positive and strong enough to cope with this next stage! I stated in my first blog that this unexpected rollercoaster ride has been quite an eye opener to put it mildly - I keep my fingers and toes crossed that my already loose lower front teeth will remain in place as I have been dental phobic for well over 30 years and always have IV sedation before any treatment - until now when I have regular cleaning sessions - thanks to a wonderful dentist and a precsious youngest daughter whose response to also being phobic has been to become a dental nurse! - I love tattoos so a few more dots will be fine and I am assuming that my brains - such as it was - will eventually return as I am currently experience total chemo brain which is sooooooo frustrating although I presume probably more frustrating for those around me! I also trust that my eyes, which have been quite badly affected, will also eventually recover and boy, do I look forward again to being able to get in my car and be able to drive! It has been a hard lesson to accept the help of family and dear friends which has been so freely and sincerely offered at a time when truly needed.
Acknowledging fear and accepting that it would be abnormal not to have this at times as I face an unknown future is also challenging - I am realistic whilst being optimistic - as previously stated, my amazing eldest daughter who has suffered from mental health problems from the age of 10 (she is now almost 31) has quite literally saved my life in that there was only a 3 week gap between feeling a hardness in my left breast that I would not have bothered about until my 6 monthly blood test was due during the latter part of January of this year - had she not already made a GP appointment for something totally unrelated.
How can I forget that day - or date, namely 26 November 2010 and again, as already previously stated - the unexpected rollercoaster ride started. By the time of my first op on 1 December - the cancer had already spread to the sentinel lymph node and, if left as I would have, being grade 3, there is little dount that I would be palliative instead of curative as I am - I am so thankful to the prompt referral from my GP,to the amazing team at Charing Cross - and, of course, to my wonderful children amongst others and, I have the added excitement and knowledge that my eldest will be blessing me with a beautiful grandaughter who I can't wait to meet in early November..
A couple of years ago my cousin and daughters took part in Race For Life because we wished to support this - this year I have found it humbling and somewhat surreal to accept that I am now one of those such events support - ironically somehow I never made it to the event in time although I was represented by my amazing cousin - but I did do Best Paw Forward on 8 May of this year with my cousin, her bearnease mountain dog and my beloved rescue greyhound, Simba errrrrrr we were the last because I don't know how we managed the last 2 miles - but we did and my cousin's husband came to collect us from Barnes because I don't think either Simba or I were capable of walking one more step! Melinda and my amazing niece and god-daughter definitely have the 'bug' as they will be participating in this year's London Shine half marathon on the eve of Melinda's 29th birthday - Tams and I will be there to support but ummmmmm not to participate in this year! Oh - and on 6 August this year, Tams will be celebrating her 31st birthday and the end of my chemo at a fabulous venue we all enjoyed last august - at a sit down booth at the Loop Bar - delicious non-alcoholic 'cocktails', cupcakes, chocolate fountain, fresh fruit etc together with those family and friends who truly mean the world to us...so much to look forward to:-).
Then, there is the fact that my daughter's husband has turned out to be anything but what he claimed to be - he has been arrested and will be prosecuted by our family for theft as more and more items turn up in pawn shops all over London - yes, we are one of those vulnerable families who have been successfully scammed by a Nigerian who is a bona-fide Dr, Pasteur and had been accepted into the British Army to train as a trauma surgeon - unbelievable but true - it breaks my heart when I look at the wedding photos held in February of this year in St Kitts and I see the total trust and love in Tams' eyes - knowing what only came to light in April of this year thanks to the vigilance of a credit card company who queried a taped telephone call from our house phone from a male - since then we have had to play a heartbreaking game in order to keep this man 'sweet' , including the fact that we knew that in spite of having taken him to heathrow ourselves and dropping him off, he had remained in this country as verified by Western Union whilst pretending to have flown to Nigeria to settle matters regarding the apparent demise of his father! The sense of violation to our family is immense - far greater than if burgled by outsiders - but as the police told Tams and I when she went down to report this, we are not the first and sadly, will not be the last - but we were the first on that particular day!!!
So Life is genuinely challenging to say the least but I have no doubts that we will face it head on as there is so much positive to look forward to in spite of our totally cock-eyed human rights policies - we have no doubts that our still son-in-law will find some way of fighting any deportation especially as he now has a child in this country - albeit not the boy he was hoping for ( we were always praying for a little girl because we are a female orientated family and Tams can now happily have pink hello kitty all over the place! Naturally, we would have welcomed a boy too - as long as all was healthy - but Tams' love of pink might have had to become 'blue' so as to avoid gender stress!
There, I think I rambled on enough and had better close!
Rita
