I'm not sure why I feel the need to blog at this point - it is not something I find easy although I read other people's with interest. In some ways I still have not quite got my head around what seems to have been rather a 'whirlwind' of events since my not even dreamt about diagnosis - I thought I had another case of Mastitis when I mentioned to my GP that apart from the original reason of my daughter having made that appointment on 26 November for me - which was to ask whether he would support me in endeavouring to obtain an Injunction to get my still husband of 33 years out of the house by that Christmas - that I mentioned I had discovered a phsyical hardness in my left breast 3 weeks earlier - he simply said that he would refer me to Charing X for further investigation alongside investigation regarding atrial fibrillation also detected on that day - can't forget it because it happened to be the day of my father-in-law's funeral that afternoon who had died from a rare form of liver cancer which had metasized throughout his body- what a morning I had dashing with my eldest daughter to Charing Cross regarding the atrial fibrillation totally unaware of what was about to occur - Charing X hospital rang me the following day giving me an appointment to see a Mrs Katie Hogben, one of the Consultant Surgeons - neither my eldest nor I were sure of what she was saying when we met her - she was insistent that I have a biopsy - which is something I have avoided in the past preferring just to have any lumps out under a general ( have had 3 lumpectomies in right breast out over years - all benign) and her attitude was very much that you WILL have biopsy as this will dictate future treatment - or I cannot help you - which did leave us feeling that maybe things were not looking too good but still none the wiser - I had been referred NHS but when I mentioned that should she need to operate that I had private cover from my husband's leaving package from his former employer after his stroke until June of this year and could I use that for speed, she advised me to take advantage of that facility straight away because results would be available earlier than if on NHS, although she stressed she would be using her same team throughout so I took her advice although it incensed me at what I see as being somehow totally wrong - we all deserve to be given the best chance possible, we have all paid our contributions - but I did avail myself of the option - the result of which was that I learned I had a grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma and on 1st December underwent the first of 2 operations which included a level 2 node clearance with 29 nodes removed - this did, to my perhaps rather 'black comedy' type sense of humour seem a very perverse way of getting the breast uplift I had been thinking of looking into under different circumstances - at least in my dreams - now I was getting this in reality as you may have gathered I am not small breasted - which also made life less traumatic for me since there was quite a bit to play with to start with - unfortunately the margins were not clear so on 16 December I underwent further surgery which appears to have sufficed as there is no more tissue to work with and a 3rd operation would have meant a mastectomy - so I now have an alien feeling breast without a nipple and rather large indent and a left arm that feels very alien and prone to lymphoedema - to be fair I was warned that as there was nothing left to 'play' with it was likely that my nipple would necrotise (not sure of terminology) - but that I was not to worry as this could be reconstructed - as could everything else - the next stage would be Chemotherapy - ideally 8 sessions of FEC75 or 6 if not physically strong enough as an adjuvant from which 8/100 with my aggressive form of cancer would benefit - not exactly great odds in realistic terms but odds still the same - to say that I have found the Chemotherapy to be disorientating and testing is an understatement but I cannot stress enough how wonderful the portacath I had inserted is since I only had my right arm and poor veins in it - I had thought there would be a pattern and was surprised to find that each ensuing treatment belied this - each time it has become more and more difficult for me - bearing in mind that I did not start out coming from a good emotional viewpoint - but I have been adamant all along that I intended to make the 8 at full 'blast' because I am 'blowed' if I am not going to meet this 'head-on'. Session 6 knocked me for 6 - I had diarrhoea that just poured out - bringing back memories of the horror of an enterrococcal bacteremia I suffered a couple of years back - thankfully my youngest was with me and got me home safely in a totally hysterical shocked state and my eldest was there to support once home - you may have gathered that we both are absolute wimps by nature - I can't tell you how long it took for me to actually look at my breast - I have total chemo brain - my eyesight has deteriorated and I have an infection which is obviously being treated but means that I cannot drive - not that I drove far - mostly to the hospital or taking my eldest to her psychiatrist and cpn appointments as she has mental health issues of long standing - which is local to us - but that 'independence' has been removed from me albeit temporarily and is frustrating. I am exhausted, unsteady, walk like an old woman - and at 61, whilst I recognise that for many that may indeed appear old, IT IS NOT!!!!! although I am equally aware and appreciative that I have lived a life as opposed to all the youngsters who are smitten by some form or another of this indiscriminate disease - ironically, my youngest at 28 may well be one them as I learned recently. Yesterday I had my bloods taken and did not even remember that my fantastic Oncologist, a Dr Charles Lowdell, would examine me thoroughly - that is the state of my chemo brain - it would appear that I am reacting more severely to treatment than hoped for but I was adament that I did not want a lowering of dosage and intended to continue as I have been all along - full dosage and no deviation to the original plan - today, as already stated - I underwent my penultimate session in a bed after being shown that I am indeed continuing as planned - the bed was wonderful since it seems I slept through the bulk of the treatment and only awoke once it was almost over!! and to eat the food that was waiting for me. One point of interest perhaps to others if they were not already aware - I asked what was recommended for ulcerated mouths and was told that I should try Manouka Honey either as a mouthwash type drink or directly onto affected areas which I did do tonight and will continue to do so to see whether that indeed helps - I wonder whether anyone else has tried this or had it recommended ? So this is where I currently am to-date which brings me back to not being certain why I have rambled on - just that I felt I needed to - perhaps to try and put matters into perspective , perhaps out of a desire to validate a sense of who I am - I apologise to anyone who may plough through this.
