So, it is 2010, the start of a new year, it should bring hope, health and happiness and a time to start over, at least that is what we all wish for each other. How does it feel though when you know what is in store for you, when you are living with a Terminal condition which you know has progressed to the final stages? When you know, without out a doubt, that you are on the last leg of your journey. How do you face that?
How do you get past the fact that you have just celebrated what is most likely your last Christmas and New Year. You have put your decorations up for the last time. Watched your kids excited faces for the last time as they open their gifts. It feels like a world of “lasts” I don’t like it. I’m not writing this for sympathy, lord knows I get plenty. I’m just trying to explain how it feels, living on that constant knife edge, how you can be ecstatically happy and yet exceptionally sad at the same time. It is a truly bizarre feeling.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m extremely lucky, I will have survived exactly 6 years on the 17th March. Considering the aggressive nature of my cancer and where it has now spread (Breast, Bones, Liver and Brain) I think I have done tremendously well, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be that miracle person though that survives against all odds. I am however a realist, I know what awaits me, surviving for so long you see those less fortunate pass through the final phase of life. I pray a good death awaits me.
I don’t know where all this has come from I just know I need to verbalise it in some way. I guess it is the culmination of all my fears rising to the surface. I’m sure nothing I am saying is new, most of us patients have these thoughts and feelings on a regular basis. I guess I like to think a problem shared is a problem halved, surely the same can be said of fears and I have so many of them. I fear mostly for what the future holds for my family, I fear my passing may damage my girls forever, I pray that wont be the case. I fear for my husband, he is a very quiet person and I am his best friend, his soulmate, how will he bear the loneliness? I fear the progression of my illness until death, will I lose my faculties, my motor skills, my mind?? I have no answers or resolutions for these fears, they simply are...
So what now? I just say thank you, every time my eyes open each morning. I pray each night for one more day. I soak up every ounce of joy my girls bring. I cherish the time spent with my Husband. I take a deep breath and smile because as yet there is no pain. I’m blessed and while I am so blessed, I shall try to keep the dark thoughts at bay and simply live!
I wish all of you continued health and happiness this forthcoming year.
Love and Peace
Indie xx
