This blog is possibly a form of therapy for me. I’m not too hot on opening-up, so the anonymity of the www allows me to vent my emotions in a way that I haven’t been able to or won’t mention to anyone else. It’s been a rough 18 months, so here goes …
Just before Christmas in 2006 I had a phone call to say my mother was severely ill. Two days later and we were making plans for her funeral. Within days of her death my wife collapsed at home with a heart-attack. Her previous complaints of neck and shoulder pains suddenly began to make some sense. Fast-forward to 2008 and she was finally diagnosed as having a permanent heart condition. After a bitter fight and desperate appeals to consultants she has been given a basic pension at 47. She continues to suffer from considerable difficulty.
My own diagnosis of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in the midst of the above (September 2007) was therefore a spectacularly bad stroke of luck. OK, parents do die and partners can become ill – although not normally all at the same time. I’m not writing this to pull at the heart-strings of readers, but more to explain the backdrop to our own circumstances. My wife’s heart condition can be contained, we hope! My own cancer might yet decide to take on a further new life of its own.
My own condition started with abdominal pain which my GP quickly decided was an ulcer – all diagnosed without examination or eye contact. Three months later and in frustration I managed to hitch a ride to A&E in an ambulance when the pain went beserk. I felt better the next day, but they weren’t keen to let me out – now I know why!
I’ve read the various Blogs and experiences of others on here. It’s a funny thing, cancer. It scares the hell out of people around you. The whole experience is full of bitter disappointments and gentle surprises. I’m shocked by the abrupt evaporation of some of my so-called friends, but I’m delighted by others who recognise that I don’t need tea & sympathy (not too much, anyway) just someone to listen and take the mick out of me & my condition in equal measure.. I’ve got family who’ve been great and others who have yet to visit at all. Cancer is a great leveller. Enough from me …
Your comment about friends 'evaporating' rang true to me too. There was an initial rush of sympathy from many and then... Well, some have stayed the course and others have surprised me by their thoughtfulness. One neighbour helped me wash and blow dry my hair because I couldn't raise my arms, another acquaintance came to visit armed with a cuddly toy, a funny video and some fresh garlic! (He is of the opinion that garlic cures everything!)
Family have been great, pulling together and growing even closer than before - a sort of blessing in disguise I suppose! Mind you, would rather not have given them cause.
They say "How are you" as if you are going to give them all the details of your agonising pain for months, and as if you are going to die before you have chance to tell them.
It is lovely to see the face clear when you say, "I'm feeling fine. I get tired somtimes, but you can peel me a grape anytime".
Friends on here are a real treasure. They help you to help yourself and to help your families. I have been able to reassure my family quite a lot, but I was lucky. I only had bowel cancer and it was removed and I had a bit of chemo. No problem.
I initially had what I might call professional visitors - those who felt that they should visit, rather than because they actually felt they wanted to. (Even a vicar - only once!) I still get talked about in the third person & most folk feel that they're helping by telling me of a neighbour or friend who had chemo and then was 'as right as rain' the next day, so I've nothing to worry about. I have 1 or 2 good friends and an understanding brother.
The BEST support is given by those with whom you can be honest - and those who have experienced cancer, which is why this site is great. I've been waiting for a chance to really 'talk' for 12 months - I thought I didn't need to, but I was wrong!
Sorry, this is longer than the initial post - all done with one finger as have problems with hands following chemo!!
Thanks 'Ruthless'. I'm so pleased that you've found a way through this. You sound as if you have a very supportive family. This is everything. My wife is my main source of support, so we take it in turns at holding each other up!
Hi there - it's true! The very word cancer has grown people running for the hills so quickly it can make your head spin. I always say it is the one word in the English dictionary which fills us all with terror, especially if we find out that we ourselves have been touched by it.
You have been dealt a terrible hand, and I have no idea how you must be feeling at the moment. I do hope that it is of some comfort to you, to know that you are not alone. I should imagine that most of us who have been diagnosed as having cancer can relate to your observations about the reaction of friends and family when they find out. Someone told me that there are people out there who CAN NOT deal with cancer - and that this is normally other people, NOT the person with the disease? It's a funny old world right enough. I would like to wish both you and your wife the very best, and I hope that soon, life will be kinder to you. Stay strong and positive, and may we all win our own wee battles, with love from kate xxxxx
