I really don't want 2010 to arrive.

I know exactly how you feel 2008/9  have not been good years. But I don't want what 2010 has to offer.

Teri x

Hi Pinkvicki

Reading your blog reminds me of how I felt when my dad was first diagnosed so wanted to try and show you an insight into the future (although one thing I have learnt along this dreadful journey is that everyone responds differently emotionally as a patient/carer but also to tretments but if I can give you some hope then I will try.)

My dad was given the same news as your poor dad back in May so we are now more that half way through his supposed 12 months.  I say supposed as I am now at a stage when I can just think of this as a statistic and not as a certainty and as I told my dad at the time he has never been 'average' so why would he start now!!

My dad had 6 lots of chemo throughout the summer and was able to carry on working the whole time.  Other than on the days he had to be at the hospital he went to work - including the day after we were given the deardful news!!  He has said since he doesn't know how he got out of bed some days but escaping to work was his saviour and still is.  He then had some radiotherapy that did knock him off his feet and to be honest with you was very hard to see him going through it but he is now reaping the benefits of that terrible time and is even slowly putting on some of the 2.5 stones in weight he has lost since the summer (my dad's cancer is in the oesophogus (and lymph nodes) so eating was very restricted for a while).

What I am trying to say I guess is that times are still very very hard and I am trying desperately not to think what next year might hold but at the moment my dad still seems well like yours and long may it continue for both of them.

By a cruel twist of fate my lovely auntie died very unexpectadly on Christmas Day and this time last week I never would have expected to be going to her funeral before my dad's but it has made me decide I can only deal with one day at a time and if that is a 'good' day for my dad it has to be a good day for me too - nobody knows what is around the corner.

My feelings swing from such sadness for my dad, for my poor mum (on top of everything else it was her sister who has just died), my children (haven't told them yet) to utter desperation for myself at the thought of my dad not being here.

My dad just won't talk about things so sometimes it is as if it's not happening but that is the way he wants it and we have learnt to accept it (although this is difficult for my mum).

I plan on going to bed before midnight tonight purely because I don't want to be upset needlessly and when I wake up tomorrow it will be just another day.

No matter how bad I feel now about my dad it doesn't compare to how it felt in the beginning when we found out - the exact stage you are going through now so I really really feel for you.  I still have days when I ask myself 'why my dad' but not as often as I did and this site has helped me see that we are not alone sadly - so many other families are facing the same thing which (I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this ) sometimes gives me comfort that it isn't just us.

Wishing you lots of strength over the coming months.  

With love  xxx

Hi thankyou very much for your words, Apparently my dads cancer started in his oesophogus (that was the primary) but we obviously knew nothing until the lump in his arm. 2 months later after they finally did the ct scan they found the original cancer plus also now extensive tumors on his lungs. I know what you mean about it giving comfort when you know its not just us but sometimes until i come on here it feels like it is. Your dad sounds very much like mine in the way he wants to carry on as normal. I always call mum and dad just after midnight on new years eve. do i do the same tonight? If you ever want to rant feel free to pm me (seriously) and it would be really nice to have someone to talk to.

Lots of love to you and your dad

Vx

Hi

Have just added you as a friend but might be offline for a few days now but will log on again soon.

Hope you got through tonight OK

Take care xx