Hello everyone,
Firstly i would like to apologise to you all, i haven't been on here much and i now feel guilty as you were all here to support me when i needed it and then i disappear and don't do the same for you all, so please guys accept my apologies.
So how am i doing????
Great question.......I kind of feel as if i have gone from denial to acceptance without all of the other stages of grief in-between. I carry on as normal going through the motions ignoring the fact that i am 'supposed' to be grieving. It still, even though it has been 4 months 3 weeks and 2 days, feels unreal that dad has gone, it still does not make sense that he can be here one day and then suddenly not, not ever going to be here ever ever again!
In my job we loose patients young and old every single day, i deal with death and grief every day yet i feel unable to deal with my own.
With Christmas looming i fear it massively, Last christmas eve was the day he was diagnosed. Christmas day was the hardest day ever. Will this year be harder?
People keep telling me to look for the signs???
They will show me that dad is still around me???
It doesn't feel that way...i have a big loving family around me yet somedays i feel so alone.
I am so grateful that i had my dad as my dad, he made me into the person i am today. My birth mother died at age 21 when i was 2. My dad was a widower with 2 children at the age of 20 and he did an amazing job. He met a wonderful lady 5 years later and she has been my mum ever since she is amazing and i have never considered her as any thing other that the best mum anyone could hope for. Cancer has now taken my dad at the age of 49. This life is so unfair.
Someone told me not long ago that this is hell and where we go when we die is where our 'life' starts. I sure hope so.
Sorry again guys and i hope you can understand why i kept away. You are all so brave and i just hope my ramblings haven't bought any of you down.
Keep fighting. Love and kisses to you all.
Vicki.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
