Thoughts from behind the frontline - 1

Ok, this is a bit surreal, long story short: Both Dad and fiance Tgirl already post blogs on here so I dont need to go into any detail about whats happening to who and where and why and when... I joked in an email that i'd start writing a blog as dad's were too popular and as competitive as I'm tempted to be, this isn't for that reason. Writing as any therapist will tell you is cathartic, some write poetry, some write songs, some write letters to people just to tear them up.... purely becuase its good sometimes to just write. Before I get into a load of waffle iI just wanted to get this first bit in writing: I love my dad, its hard knowing hes got cancer, its hard being a nurse and knowing there's not much I can do to help, but those are my feelings to deal with.... what's important to stress is that I've never been prouder or in such awe of a person as I have since dad found out. He spent 24 years teaching me the most important thing in my life and I couldnt respect him more for taking his own advice (something we all struggle to do i think at times). I'll explain.... Sometimes things happen in life that change you: Ideally this should be EVERYTHING that happens to you. Throughout my short life I've been lucky enough to experience some incredible things, both extrememly bad and good... I'd like to think that becuase of my parents i've grown from every situation. A while ago I wrote the lyrics to a song, this was inspired by the recent deaths of a couple of close friends.... "The fallen comrades, Show you how, Cos the time is now, Regrets mean nothing, All the decisions you’ve made, Make you who you are. As time moves on, live life while you can. Tomorrow holds no promise; it’s in your hands." With every day that I move towards the inevitable end of my own life (could be in 100 years, could be 100 seconds for all I know) the words above mean more to me than the day before. This whole "live life" thing has been a bit of a theme for me since I was a kid, I was lucky enough to be brought up believing I could do anything if I tried hard enough (except levitate by eating apple slices as I quickly found out after boasting to my friends I could (after doing so in a dream haha)). Some people have been brought up to believe they have to fit into neat little boxes, black and white boxes created by the wishes of their parents, friends, government/society... this is (to me anyway) and incredibly alien concept that gos against the very fact we're all individuals and there is no such thing as right or wrong, only popular opinion. Little Johnny wants to be an accountant like his dad.. cool, little johnny wants to be the worlds first flying accountant made out of jelly.... f**king cool, little Johnny wants to be an artist but has to be an accountant cos daddy thinks its best.... not cool. We all have dreams and "life" in modern western culture manages to slowly batter them out of you, its easy to convince yourself its the mature way of living, after all, there are bills, council tax, rent and other peoples opinions to worry about! But underneath all this is that unsettling "I could have been more!" feeling that you can either keep trapped away from the ever decreasing sense of real-life; or you can let it out and go experience something you never thought you could! Even if its something small like throwing popcorn in the cinema or jumping in a puddle.. if its fun, do it! Recently I've watched people grow into beautiful bright humans amongst a world that appears to get greyer everyday... this is entirely down to them using an inner strength and direction not found before and having the guts to follow their dreams. It's amazing to watch and even more amazing to be part of. I couldnt be prouder of them all. I know I am not the only one who feels this way about living life. Anyone who's jumped out of a plane or off a bridge, applied for that dream job, spoken to that dream girl, and some that have been diagnosed with something that spells out an end date... all know in one way or another what i'm talking about.... But why do we have to wait until our options are cut short to make a decision to stop being a cog in societies neatly oiled machine? I'm sure my dad would be proud of me for chasing my dreams at ANY stage of my life.... not so proud if I ticked along with a rubbish life until my health starts failing me! Why do we have to wait until someone's ill to realise its worth valueing the time we spend with them? Why do we have to supress that natural sense of adventure and the dreams of youth? We dont! It doesnt even have to be a choice thats made, just a realisation that that lifes as important and fun as you make it. If you love music, go watch the band live. If you love someone, tell them. If you want to follow your dream, do it. lets cut out that first part so it reads: "Regrets mean nothing, All the decisions you’ve made, Make you who you are. As time moves on, live life while you can. Tomorrow holds no promise; it’s in your hands." It's very easy to blame the rest of the world or the cancer itself... but i personally feel its worth remembering: only you can make the choice to let it change you for the better or for the worse... Personal strength through self-awareness. "follow your dream", "say yes", however you want to word it: Live life while you can... for yourself, as well as the people you love and who love you. Phil x