I was told that my cancer was terminal about 11 months ago. At that time they told me that I had between 6 months and 2 years to live. Since then I have had radiotherapy and chemotherapy, and have had a good response. I had my last chemo in May and have been so well since then that they have not done any further treatment. A couple of weeks ago the latest scan showed that everything is still good - and I won't need another scan until December.
So why do I feel so desperate? I keep wanting to talk about how I'm going to die - and no-one wants to listen. I guess I shouldn't be surprised about that!!! But no-one is prepared to let me discuss the possibility of dying - even though the doctors have told me my condition is still terminal. At one minute I am over the moon about how well everything is going, and then I get scared because one day the news will be bad.
How will I cope when I have a scan and it shows the cancer growing again? Everyone tells me how 'marvellous' I am that I have done so well - but does that mean I will be a failure later? Am I wrong and stupid to want to talk about the possibility that things will not always be this good? Should I just close my eyes and keep celebrating? What will I do when they tell me I have to start treatment again - and I know just what that involves?
I feel so very lucky to have been given the extra time to spend with the people that I love - but I am so scared about how I will feel when the news isn't so good. Is it wrong to talk about that? I feel so confused. I want to be happy - but there is a cloud hanging over my head. What a waste to spend this happy time worrying about the future - but I just can't stop it.
I guess I'm a total idiot!
