Yet again this morning I received an email mentioning that the sender thinks that I am to be envied for "living the life of Riley". This person is a lovely person, with a slight disability herself, and in a highly-paid job. She knows that I am terminally ill, but sees from my Facebook profile that I post a lot of photos.
The reason that I am not also at work is that as soon as I told my employer that I had been given a terminal diagnosis, they set loose the dogs of their "Employee Well-Being" department to chase me off the premises. The doctors had given me just 3-4 months. However, without assistance from them, I have now been around for nearly 15 months.
I have never been someone who sits around watching tv or relying on spending lots of money shopping to entertain myself. I have always got out and about, and have loads of interests - from walking in the countryside (or at a push urban wildernesses), making and looking at art, museums, wildlife, my garden, reading, industrial archeology... Just because I am dying of cancer, this does not change who I am. I have indeed widened my interests, compromised how far I can go (we don't have a car, so it's always been public transport for us) and certainly had to watch how much everything costs (although having done my degree as a mature student recently and working for museums I'm good at economising).
However the short time that I have now is in place of the 20 years of retirement that most of these people will enjoy. I know that they mean well, but they are wrong. I could tell them that when you know you are going to die fairly soon, you blooming well NEED to keep busy - because if I didn't I would very quickly slide down into deepest of depressions, and a state of terror and self-pity. It seems that it acceptable to go off once on a dream hol, then we should knuckle down to complying with the doctors' prognosis and we should jolly well be miserable whilst we're about it, not go gallivanting off and making other people wander, "Why am I sitting at the desk doing things I hate doing?" or "Why can't I motivate myself to get off my butt and go and do something meaningful?"
My ethos is that I'm going to neck however many painkillers and anti-anxiety tablets it takes and keep on going out and doing things - this is life as I know it, and I don't want to have to accept anything less until I really do have to.
I am NOT living the life of Riley. I am living with the Sword of Damocles suspended by the its single hair right over my head. I know that it is there, but I do not keep looking up at it.
My prayer is give me patience to keep smiling when people say these asinine things.
xxxx Penny
FormerMember
I think all of us do who are terminal so that we spare the feelings of family and friends, and also not to drive people away - it doesn't take much to scare people off! No, I think there are some people with very little imagination and zero tact. I don't think she has any idea that she said anything ill-considered.
I don't have much tact myself, and often plunge in when I should just shut up. So if I seem to be overkind to people with no tact, that's why.
Of course, as you say it is difficult not to frighten people off. I am glad you are living in the moment, though I don't say it but think that it would be nicer if you didn't have to make the most of it but could do that as a lifestyle choice.
If you could wake up and say to us that it was all some horrible dream and everything is OK, we would all stand up and cheer. You are such a comfort to us all. Thank you very much.
I have just had a card from the HR girls in my office and I am so gobsmacked I need to share it with you! Can you imagine, someone has written "Lucky you, being able to stay at home and watch the Olympics - we're all so jealous". Wonder what she'd say if I were able to wave a magic wand and change places with her .... Yes my dear, I really AM lucky - an incurable metastized cancer - just what everyone wants! I can usually stay pretty calm but smoke is coming out of my ears now !!
I think the fact that they've been changed into "Human Resources" - which makes it clear that employees are just a sort of cash crop - must have dehumanised them. I think yours deserve the Gold Medal for tastlessness and tactlessness, Kate. I think I'd make a complaint if I were you - they deserve a kick somewhere more sensitive than their brains. xxx Penny
