Just three weeks away from finishing all the treatments and I went under completely. Seeing the end of the long haul of operation and treatments insight I felt truly depressed about the probabilty of my cancer returning (I have an endometrial cancer Grade 111C) and of dying within the next few years.
I'd been reading through the internet descriptions of my cancer and, it hit me, without denial attached, just how precarious my life is now. How likely it is that the cancer will return somewhere. My brain? My lungs? My liver? Could be anywhere.
I did do a few things which helped me pull out of the depression which I'd like to share with anyone who might like to know.
Firstly, I emailed and told a friend. She said 'yikes! you're great, i dont kow if i could have had so much treatment and be as brave as you have been till now; surely it's natural'. So, primarily I reached out to somoene, instead of keeping the depression inside and feeling so ill with it - and I got some friendly feedback. She told me to check out the Macmillan website too. Very helpful.
I read the www.macmillan.org.uk - emotioal effects/Depression piece and wrote their words down in my notebook because they seemed so important. Here they are:
"There is no need for you to feel guilty about feeling depressed or not feeling positive all the time" . Because I had been feeling guilty, Writing the words down helped to make them mine. I did not have to feel guilty. It's OK.
I'd been feeling guilty about being unable to do a single thing about feeling so unhappy and ill;
no spiritual reading interested me, no book, no looking for the wise words
or the strength you can sometimes find by perhaps sitting outside.
None of the strengths I'd drawn on in the earlier, hard ,chemo days interested me to draw on again. The wise words, the books on 'The Will To Live' etc, lay scattered, collecting dust around my bedroom. I was feeling like a complete failure, as though I had really secretly given up and was feeing guilty about it.
I began a blog on this site 'Endometriam Cancer Grade 11C, coping with low survival rate info..' and a wonderful person bounced, blogged into my life who identified with me because she has more or less the same kind of cancer. We write to each other about our day. The blog writing seems to lighten the feelings about everything. Sharing with another woman who lives her life, in more or less the same way as I do is excting and wonderful. I can not explain how, but it is. You probably understand exactly,since this is the helpful thing about blogging!
A friend suggested that I deal with things in little chunks - instead of trying to deal with everything. (I had been thinking of sorting through my things so that I my life would be in order when I died. Or, I was thinking , maybe I should try to borrow $5,000 and go to a cancer treatment centre in California run by O Carl Simonton where there are many people over the years who have reversed their cancer).
I thought I could do the little bite sized chunk thing. My blogging friend also said it was a helpful way to deal with life. See, you get wisom from others that you just can't get from yourself!
What do I want to do? Mmmmm. What's the first thing I want to do?
I suddenly wanted to go to the sea (I'd missed the summer hoildays because of treatments). I realized that doing something that made me happy, made me very happy - and this was already good - so I booked a short holiday in Ischia for the week after I finish the last of my RadioTherapy. It feels great to be looking up hotel information, asking how far the hotel is from the sea, what the weather's like in November, what beauty treatments I get included in my off -season special. Can I have a room with a balcony overlooking the sea...yes, yes, dreaming about it was/is fantastic. So I'm booked and off on November 9th till 15th! I canalready imagine the ferry boat pulling out into the sea of Naples, the sea gulls, the wind, the big waves, the wind, the smell of brine...it's beautiful.
Then, instead of getting myself into impossible debt, by going over to a 5 day seminar in California (?) I ordered California oncologist's O. Simonton's 'Seminars and Meditations' from the site http://www.simontoncenter.com/api/Index.cfm/products.details/i/3922 So that's coming in the post.
Although I hadn't wanted to 'do' anything like this, when I was in my lolling about depressed state, now I'm beginning to 'do' something. I've ordered some material that might help me deal with surviving this cancer.. which means I'm beginning to believe I might have a shot at surviving it again. I think I'd given up.
I might even listen to the CD. Not sure yet, it's a step at a time here! I might begin the meditations again. I might bring it with me on holiday and listen to the CD looking at the sun setting on the sea. It's that word 'might' that is the clue- I am inching out of the depression, there are now 'mights' and there are 'dreams' and there are people to talk to who I trust and who will not lecture me on 'how to' (which doesnt work for me), because they know how weird it is to have cancer and go on its roller coaster rides.
