I was diagnosed on tuesday 21 sept 2010 as having bladder cancer, i went to hospital for the flexable cystoscopy thinking they might find some infection or something, the word cancer didnt enter my mind, i dont really know what i thought they would find to be honest.
my main worry was at that time having anything inserted in my euretha, and how was anything going to fit up there! when actually that part was not even the slightest problem and didnt feel a thing, silly really but i am a man and these things fill me with dread for some reason, although i am intersted to see what is going on and keen to know how it goes and works.
Tomorrow the 24 sept 2010 i am due to have the tumor removed a 'TURBT' i think they call it, i have no worries about the proceedure, or any part of the hospital visit and stay, i am sure it will be done with the utmost professionalism and courtesy by wonderful staff who actually care, but what is worrying me the most at this juncture is not knowing how bad a tumor i have, is it an invasive or non invasive, can it be treated and if so do i have a future, or am i on the scap heap, now in gods waiting room, so to speak.
I am torn between which type of anasthetic to have, i think i would like to watch the proceedure being done opting to have an epidural rather than being put to sleep as seeing nothing, and waking up to someone who will just say it went well or it didnt, the information i am sure will not be there. and i will feel like i have missed an important part of my future being unravelled by some who doesnt even know me, and possibly making life changing deccissions while i am asleep.
Whilst i have no fear of death, i dont feel ready yet to depart this planet, and certainly not like this, i still have things to do mountains to climb, places to see and people to meet, whilst i am in my 50s i am still young in my outlook and the things i do, the sport i play, and the way i live, does not reflect my age compared to those around me of a similar age.
I hope this dosnt come accross all wrong, as this is the first blogg i have ever written, and am just ranting really what i am feeling, i suppose i am just a scared guy trying to act how i think other people expect you too,when all i really want to do is cry my eyes out!, but when that word 'cancer' is aimed directly at you, it suddenly takes on a whole new meaning and role, and plays havoc with you mind and emocions (i might be 50+ but i still cant spell!)
If you are still reading this, then well done for sticking with it, and sorry to have bored you silly. wish me luck and i will keep you posted.
