So just getting the hang of this whole blog thing.
Am finding it much easier to work out what i am feeling by writing it down, everyone keeps wanting me to talk and i don't have any words that they are looking for.
i had a lump removed from my abdomen last june which they discovered was paraganglioma, after a octreotide scan in october they decided it had all been removed and everything was great. had a follow up MRI in feb and they found lump in my liver. they sent scans to Jimmys in Leeds to the liver specialists to see if they could operate and whilst they were looking at PET scan results they have also found a growth on my hip bone. they decided not to operate as i will have to have chemo for my hip so don't want to do surgery when will be having chemo anyway.
So saw my oncologist today and he has said i have to have another CT and an MIBG scan then will be starting chemo.
i am so scared about the chemo! There are so many people that go through you it so my practical side is telling me it will be ok and will get through it, but the other side of me keeps thinking about how ill i may be and the hair loss that he has told me will definitely happen as am having 3 different types of chemo at the same time.
i could handle the thought of surgery as been through that and know roughly what to expect but with chemo i feel lost. and no one can tell me how it will e as they say everyone reacts differently to it.
i know the hair loss is going to hit me hard, i think it is because it would be like a big sign over my head telling everyone that i'm ill, i can hard my current surgery scars and people treat me like there is nothing wrong, but without my hair everyone will know i'm ill.
im 26 i should be starting a family now not spending last year of my life and more dealing with cancer.
im sure some of this may sound selfish to others and i know that there is always someone out there worse off but i just don't really know how to react anymore, i had a breakdown last year and am sure i have depression but i haven't really told anyone.
i feel so sad all the time.
