moving on?

I’m a thinker and a worrier. I over analyse everything; that’s just me. I’m writing this in the hope that maybe it will reach someone who has felt something similar and may bring some comfort that you’re not alone. Or even just those who are interested or care. On May 11th 2013 my sister passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was one of the many poor souls who was taken far too soon by cancer. She had been suffering, was in pain for a long time. She was 30 year years old with two beautiful young daughters. Since that day, like many other people including my family, I have been battling with a stream of emotions – some of which I never expected. Sadness, feeling lost, missing her – sometimes every day, guilt at not being able to do more, for the times when I thought I was too busy to catch up for a drink or pop over for a chat. I expected all of this. It’s the feelings that you don’t expect that catch you out. The anger – anger at something unknown. Anger at her because, irrationally I thought that she could be fighting harder, I felt like she was giving up. It’s so hard to admit this and I feel so guilty but I had no control over these feelings. I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand how one minute she was fine and the next she was dying. How one day she could be laughing and joking and the next unable to move out of bed. She was such a fighter, so strong and such an inspiration but at that time I wanted her to fight harder. I also felt anger towards those who were fighting it – those who had survived. I remember going to a charity event and a woman there made a speech about how she had battled against cancer and won. “Good for you” I thought. My sister didn’t. Why did you get to survive and yet my sister was gone. What a bitch I was. But after finally opening up to someone I realised that it was actually quite normal to feel this way. I was really beating myself up over these feelings because I knew they were wrong. You have to just go with it. Let your body and mind do what it needs to do in order to cope and get through it. You are not alone. Talking to a psychiatrist really helped me. I was totally against it at first – I thought that only crazy people saw shrinks and I wasn’t crazy! But it was so refreshing. Someone to just listen and help you rationalise. Someone who didn’t get upset or angry when I burst into tears or shouted and ranted. Those closest to me were great and so supportive but they were too close and I got angry with them for not getting it. How on earth could they understand how I was feeling? So I pushed them away. I’m so lucky that they wouldn’t let me go as I’m not sure I would have managed it without them. It’s been two years and I am far more rational now. I admire those who have fought this vicious disease and the strength of those fighting against it today and I appreciate all the support I got from those closest to me. I miss my sister more than I ever thought possible. I still sometimes pick up the phone to text her or call her. She was no saint, she was a rebel, she could be a bitch and she was irrational. And I wouldn’t have changed her. She made me laugh – even when she was laying in the hospice almost ready to go. I could talk to her about anything and we balanced each other out. Have I moved on? No, and I can’t say that it’s easier. I think you just manage your emotions differently. When you start to feel sad you remember the happy, the good times. And it still catches me out – a song will come on the radio – I see a frog (long story) -and I cry. I will remember the good stuff and make sure that her lovely girls (now aged 3 & 5) remember her too. Don’t pressure yourself to move on – celebrate life and do them proud. Life throws out a lot of bad hands – it’s what we do with it that counts. So live it. DREAM BIG