The narrative of our story is all wrong. After something like this aren't you supposed to walk off hand in hand into the sunset, appreciating all that is good, and live happily ever after?? Well it doesn't feel like that is happening to us at all.
For a start I am completely obsessed with J not being well. I don't understand how I was able to take it a day at a time when he was ill, and now that he is in remission, I can't. I worry about everything. And I know from his Hodgkins group that everybody worries about everything, but that doesn't make me think that my worries are any less real. I'm worried because he is still very tired and still slightly hoarse. I'm worried because he has got conjunctivitis this week, because his sleep has been disturbed again and because the dog didn't go and cuddle him last night. Seriously! Our dog started avoiding J just before he was first diagnosed last year and last night he didn't go anywhere near him so eagle-eyed me ramped up the internal stressing again. It's really hard. I seem to be in a constant loop of worrying, then talking myself round, "it's perfectly normal to be tired, to pick up infections" etc etc. I don't know how I'm supposed to be. I don't know if I should be nagging him to contact the consultant again or getting off his back. I've done the former, so now I'm on with the latter, but inside I'm screaming and wish he would ring again and be more forceful.
J doesn't seem particularly worried about being ill again, but he is not happy. And it's all to do with work. He hated work before he was ill and I think he's struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is back to square one with it now. He has said that he preferred being off on sick leave and having chemo to being at work. How awful is that? It's difficult because he has done the job for a long time and despite being very capable, he's a bit stuck for applying for other things because he doesn't have the experience. And then there's the cancer to think about and how his company have supported him financially and how frightening it is to give that up.
I really don't know what's going to happen :-(
