J is doing well post blood transfusion. His levels have gone from 7.7 to 9. So not a massive rise but enough to keep him going thank goodness.
But me, I'm not doing so good. Something seems to have flipped. I'm not even pre-menstrual, but I just can't seem to get over my anxiety. Last week was so horrible, with our ruined weekend away and then coming back to j getting poorlier by day, and the kids being off and me having to work and worrying and fretting that something was going to happen to him while he was looking after them, and drilling into my 10 year old what to do if daddy collapses. And then while he was having his blood transfusion on friday trying to keep things going, catching up on cleaning, doing home work with the kids, trying to keep up appearances, doing halloween, being up till god knows what time after trick or treating, making a birthday cake for my now 8 year old, feeling like shit but going through the motions of a birthday party by myself yesterday. Everything is just something to get through. And I don't know where anybody is. Where are all the people who said they'd do anything to help? I'm looking around and they've all disappeared, even my mum and dad are still on holiday. And I'm doing all this stuff and not even doing a good job of it. I'm such a bad, selfish carer. Been bad tempered and short with J which is just great.
Anyway like I say he's feeling better. So much so that he has gone out to the races this afternoon, It might have been nice to do something as a family, but hey ho. At least it gives me time to get on top of the house before another week at work.
