This week I have my 5th Zometa, that's the stuff they pump into me to keep my bones strong and, we hope, the cancer at bay. The treatment itself is simple and straightforward and I don't usually have any side effects
However, in the past few days, as the appointment creeps closer, I have found myself being more aware of my cancer, my vulnerability to this disease, and it's on my mind, sneaking in there to disrupt my normal happy life.
Is this a new lump or is it just scar tissue? Is this the same level of lymphoedema tenderness or is it worse? Is my boob more swollen than normal? Are my teeth hurting, is this a sign of jaw issues or am I just imagining it? (Yes, and tooth pain manifests itself as I write)
Whilst the physical aspects of cancer and its treatment are difficult, the emotional aspects take it to another level. They lie dormant for days, weeks, even months and then POP! Up come the overly dramatic negative thoughts, the fears and worries, the “what ifs” and for me, ever practical, this leads to thoughts about retirement planning, have I provided enough for my family and would my lovely husband become a complete recluse without me to manage his social life.
I am typically a strong person and my mental heath, luckily, is robust. I have a senior leadership role in a large corporation and I am resilient and tenacious. But still I get these thoughts and I have no magic solution for dealing with this. Distraction is better than relaxation, sleep apps and a bit of deep breathing helps and I know that, in a few days, the Zometa will be administered and I will relax again…..until the next time.
Whilst there are obvious downsides to having metastatic cancer (as I have), I do at least get the certainty that comes from regular scans and (currently fortnightly) touch points with my consultant. I can imagine it’s very unsettling to be listening to everything that isn’t quite right and wondering. Hopefully it will settle back down once you have got the Zometa onboard.
Hi Irishgirl, I think the challenge is that you are the only one who can put your mind at ease because nobody else knows what's going on in your head. I am physically reasonably fit and don't look my age. So everyone thinks I'm fine. Regular scans reassure me but only for a limited time. The best therapy for me is distraction especially with sport or even just walking. That helps me clear my head. You say you are strong. But being strong for yourself and others takes its toll too. It is not a sign of weakness to have doubts and fears. Try to do what makes you feel good, work, sport, cooking whatever.
