5 years ago I was in the midst of my chemo, our 25th wedding anniversary celebrations put on hold and life was a 3 weekly cycle of drugs interspersed with blood tests, scans and appointments.
Now, 5 years on, I'm coming to the end of my Zometa infusions and the annual check ups and it's definitely preying on my mind; when will the cancer come back? I don't think this fear will ever go away and let's be clear, this isn't something that bothers me every day or keeps me awake at night, but it's there, this little annoying thought that pops up from time to time, like one of those spam phone calls that you answer by mistake and a computerised voice starts drivelling in your ear (yes, I am of the generation who does actually answer their phone)
Would I have a lower chance if recurrance if I changed my lifestyle? If I stopping drinking, ate only good stuff, exercised more, lost weight? Would I be happier or just plain miserable and resentful? Would it make a difference? Would I ever know?
I'm clearly in a reflective mood today, so it's time to stop sitting thinking - I find thinking isn't really very productive - and go for walk in the Spring sunshine and put it out of my head again for a while.
