So, I'm working through a few things before tomorrow's operation.
I'm thinking about the MRI scan, waiting for the result, telling my kids, my family and figuring out who else 'needs to know'.The MRI was interesting - I went by myself like all the other appointments, but in a way it's all strengthening.
People tell you all sorts of horror stories about MRIs and I'm not fan of tight spaces, but please let me try to reassure you if you're worried.
The staff were all really kind and explained everything so there were no surprises.
There are a few seconds when you're being set up when you feel you're being squashed in a bit, but it's only short lived.
If you practice some relaxation breathing before you go, you can do this during the scan. Breathe in THROUGH YOUR NOSE slowly , then blow out gently through your LIPS.
I closed my eyes, did that breathing and the anxiety faded off after about 30 seconds. After that, although there is a noise in the background, its just background and I used the time as a space to rest and relax.
The hardest part of this was the wait for the result. The MDT that determines the next step is every Thursday - at the time I was having my scan, which mean I would have to wait a week until the next one. For worrying, that was my worst week; I had nightmares, in one I attended my own funeral and saw myself carried into the service....
BUT when I got the call from the nurse to say the MRI showed early stage contained cancer and that they expected no chemo ad no change to life expectancy after surgery, it felt like Christmas had come early. I'm so lucky and I know everyone doesn't hear such good news - I'm sorry, I'm not gloating.
Once I'd let husband work and and nurse friends people know my great news, I realised I had to tell my son, daughter 3 siblings and my poor old dad.
My mum had died as a result of Cancer, but had actually had several unrelated incidences over 20 years - again, not all bad news; my brother had major surgery for cancer pre-Covid lockdown but has also made a remarkable recovery. So, that was my focus for framing this as positively and matter of factually as possible.
My daughter and son, aged 29 & 31 were stunned and frightened, both slightly unsure whether I was sugar-coating to protect them. Luckily we've always been open and talked a lot so we promise dot try to be open and still talk.
After a few tricky days where each seemed to be processing and avoiding me in their own way, they had their own meltdown moments with me and shared their fears. Thank goodness they let me just be their mum again instead of trying to hide their feelings. In respect for them I also shared my perspective and how I wanted to deal with it - by admitting it was frightening but that I believed the MRI and what I'd been told and was making plans for the recovery I felt confident I will make.
I'm so proud of them both - they both want ot protect me and look after me but they're also vulnerable and scared of losing their rock. But together we are stronger.
My siblings are spread across France, and southern England so we have a group whatsapp and talked over that, we're philosophical but also loving & supportive of each other which is a great comfort. We agreed to tell my dad face to face and my brother brought him up to stay with me. We told him as gently as we could, but how can a parent every hear their child has a disease like this? He was shocked and wobbly for a few days, but seeing how well, tanned and normal I was, I think he was slowly reassured. He spent a week with me as I continued to work from home, interspersed with preparing him drinks, snacks, stopping for lunch and Bargain Hunt together, having dinner as normal and enjoying visits after school from the whirlwind that is my 6 yr old granddaughter - jumping all over me and bounding around as nornal 
Again from a personal and a nursing perspective I'm seeing the many faces people wear in times of stress and difficulty.
My daughter seemed evasive and disinterested - she was just scared; and upset she couldn't take care of me the way she feels she should ****NOTE TO ANY CHILDREN reading - there is no SHOULD here - you have jobs, families, cash problems, rubbish employers and your own issues to deal with. They won't stop because cancer has happened to someone you care about and we can all help each other - it's not all on you. The fact you care means more than you know.
My son is luckier: his employer is different and allows him flexibility at this time - he is also single and child free!. He was able to attend Surgeon consent appointment and will collect me from hospital post-op. *But he is in health related work and also has no hospital 'phobia'/squeamishness.
Again applying empathy, some people experience 'medical dyslexia' and medical white noise' and really can't handle health issues (maybe why my husband doesn't feature in this blog much). It's hard when we want to scream THIS IS ABOUT ME NOT YOU, but I'm trying to maintain a sense of balance and fairness all round.......
