Hello again....
As you all know the cancer pathway's pretty fast and with work and family there hasn't really been much time to stop and think. After all, whatever was going on in life didn't suddenly stop when this all started, so the juggling and plate spinning just increases doesn't it.
Last Thursday was really a wake up call for me. I had finished all I could for work, put on the out of office message and my son picked me up for my hospital meeting with the consultant and cancer nurse. As we reached the hospital I felt my chest tighten and I couldn't catch my breath - panic attack, asthma, who knows, but I certainly started to wobble. Parent-child roles suddenly switched and I felt almost carried by his strength to the reception.
When the consultant began his explanation we both felt cold and sensed a change of tone when he told us he wouldn't be certain of the situation until he began the surgery and saw for himself. This was a different spin than I had received by phone - which I stated. By the end though, he clarified the statistics were low and he was confident that with stage 1a there was very low probability of invasion beyond the inside of the womb. A scary moment, but soon restored to level thinking.
What did surprise me was the removal of the cervix. Although I knew the womb, tubes and ovaries were removed, for some reason I had not expected to lose the cervix - was this somehow the external evidence of being a woman ? I have no idea why this mattered, because I don't need any of it any more do I - but it seemed quite an offence - mutilating somehow.
I only mention this so that you can be more prepared. If as a nurse, it can escape my thoughts (and I should know better, it's quite obvious), then you might not consider it either.
Anyway, after that, my son and I felt comfortable, reassured and went off for huge hugs and a cold drink. Time to contemplate a few hopefully sunsoaked weeks of recovery ....
I'm so lucky to have great work colleagues and friends and spent that night with them - the first time we'd been together since lockdowns started. Laughter, chatter, possibly alcohol and irreverent nursing humour prevailed - just what we all needed, finished with much needed lateral flow tested hugs.
With no work and with isolation now in order, the weekend's been contemplative - and time to do those jobs we always put off.... handwashing knitwear... clearing drawers.....washing skirting boards, hanging pictures that've been sitting around for ages...I even bit the bullet and threw away some of my ...S....h...o...e..s.....
I've sent a few e-mails and messages letting some friends know what happening that I hadn't thought to tell. I'm very touched by the many texts and messages I've had from friends and colleagues wishing me well from tomorrow. .... but surprised by my husband's reaction to them. I'm very touched and taking strength from them - I'm also proud to know they care about me; as a caring person for whom kindness is a key value, it is so wonderful to feel this love back at a time of need. I had never realised before how much they cared (my bad).
Although instrumental in some people knowing, my husband seems to object to the messages I'm getting and the people who know. I asked why - he simply said he didn't know why I was telling people. My argument is this is not a dirty secret that should be hidden and it shouldn't be treated a dark hopeless condition you don't talk about. I feel people should be open and show there is hope. Anyway as far as he's concerned I have nothing else to say because I don't want to turn this into a rant - hopefully evrything I've said so far will be fairly inocuous and resonate with someone.
Tomorrow is now today - it's after midnight. What am I thinking: mostly funny stuff, so here you go:
I've had the razor and the scissors to my 'nethers' today - in case the staff in theatre know me -what's that bout 
I'm trying to figure out how to disguise my ugly feet since they'll probably be up in stirrups 
I've eaten a peach after dinner - I forgot they make me a bit windy oh dear those stirrups again 
There will be student nurses on the ward - what if they're scared to go near me?
I snore really badly - the student will hear it - the patients might complain
What if I'm incontinent?
What if I say something ridiculous?
Never mind being scared of the operation - I'm more scared of scaring the students and making a fool of myself
Next time you hear from me will probably be a comedic account of a hospital stay! Take care XX
