Oh dear, how I need a hug right now. A big, squashy one from somebody who loves me and understands.
Well, obviously that's not going to happen in the 3D world! Husband has gone out to the pub with his mate to watch football and will go on a long walk with him and Wee Dug for most of tomorrow. My kids choose not to have anything to do with their grandfather's anniversary, the inlaws and stepkids have nothing to do with it, just like this time last year. That sounds mean and bitter: maybe I am. I remember last year how my sisters-in-law made no contact with me and how two colleagues were extremely kind and supportive and what a huge difference that made to me.
Last year I was staying with my mother to support her and upped my pills to cope since I knew I would be worse than useless to her if I fell apart. I'm still on the same dosage a year later and am finding basci existence quite tough at times, despite all the many, many blessings I have (health, husband, kids, stepkids, stepgrandkids, Wee Dug, all of that). I have so much to be thankful for especially when I think of those with lifethreatening illnesses and those going through the agony of bereavement.
I suppose depression is an illness too and it makes me confused and illogical.
I am having a bit of a wallow tonight and (unusually for me in my medicated state) a good cry. I had a bit of an epiphany too: the people I trust most and on whom I fell I can rely, are my mac family: all strangers, all unmet. I don't have a circle of friends, a support group. There are those2 colleagues, but they're not *there* all the time. Really, when it comes down to it, there's me, and then there's everybody else. I am good at smiling and being cheerful and helpful and looking like a *normal* person, so I suppose nobody feels the need to be comforting since I don't look like I need it.
My mother is still crushed by grief and still won't seek any help: no counselling, no drugs, nothing except phoning here to express her misery. It sounds horribly selfish but I can't really cope with her any more. When the phone rings I wait for someone else to answer. Husband (she likes him, he hasn't proved himself a disappointment to her yet) is going to stay with her next week for a couple of days to do jobs for her. Talking to her is very hard: actually, she does all the talking and I try to listen. At no point in the last year has she asked me how I'm doing...
I'm tired of being taken for granted by pretty much everybody I know, loved one and otherwise. Tonight I am microscopically small, insignificant and very lonely.
Thank God for mac.
