Hi everyone.
This is my first attempt at this. I have recently lost my father who was an extremely fit 79 year old to a form of aggressive Lymphoma. He went into hospital a little over a month ago, complaining of, no that is wrong, I am sorry. Dad never complained about anything really. He had a sore back, on his left side, and went for some tests. Dad was admitted to hospital and after more tests was advised that some "nodes" had been found in his lower tummy, and that they were treatable. He had more tests and scans and within the space of 10 days was placed on life support. Dad had Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma B cell. It was in his lymph nodes and in particular around his kidneys, he began to go down hill very rapidly. This left dad very weak and he developed Pneumonia and had very low blood pressure too amongst so many other problems.
So to cut a long story short, my dad was too weak to even be considered for any chemotherapy at all. We were told that my dads chances of leaving hospital were nil. This was sadly to be the case. We were told that my dad was to be taken off his life support and then it would only be a matter of time, maybe minutes maybe a couple of days. My dad was such a fighter that he did regain some form of consciousness and we did get to tell him just how much we loved him and how much we knew he loved us too.
Dad had lost the power of speech whilst he was on his life support and he would communicate when he could and when he had the strength by blinking and smiling to us. I told my dad, so difficult as it was to and when it felt like the time to do so, that although the doctors had done such a wonderful job and were really looking after him and trying to help him, that "this was just not fixable" this time dad, and the tears rolled down my face as I looked into my fathers eyes to tell him so. He also shed a tear.
This was the first time I have ever felt so hopelessly useless. My dad fought on for another five days after he was taken off life support. On a very wet and windy Sunday afternoon, just two weeks ago, my dad was becoming very agitated and he looked distressed. I again looked my dad in the eyes and told him that it was ok, that my sister and I would look after mum and that it was ok for him to go, to go to sleep. Within 15 minutes my dad had passed away. With mum, my sister and I all at his side and holding his hands. We stayed with dad for a while and it was comforting to see him finally at peace and no longer in any distress.
We have a very close and loving family which is a good job really because we have had a similar event just four weeks before. My beautiful sister in law died and at such a tender age of 35 after an 18 month struggle with breast cancer. Cancer is not a battle it is an illness. The year also started badly because my fantastic son who is just 20 developed a large lump on his forehead, which was eventually diagnosed a Lymphoma too. He is in a "good" remission now though, thank goodness.
My fathers funeral was just yesterday and I feel so sad, so confused. I feel that I must be strong for my mum, my sister and my wife who is also grieving for two of the people whom she cared for most. Then there is my son, who is recovering and also has so many feelings, of confusion, guilt, and relief about what has happened to him.
I think that I have probably said enough for tonight. I do not know why I have posted this really. Maybe I would hope for some help, maybe I would like some reassurance or guidance. I just felt I needed to do something, speak to someone. I miss my dad, I miss my sister in law so much so that it hurts. It really does hurt. I suppose it is early days yet but the pain of losing two people, no make that two of my best mates within the space of three weeks is just a little to much to comprehend at the moment. Thanks for reading...G......
