The story of how we actually found this beast growing in my neck is I am afraid somewhat convoluted, with the odd dead end and wrong turn. It started with a cold. It was one of those solid head colds, going through a box of tissues every other day with a cough and sore throat. No matter how I tried it would not go. I have always been guilty of presenteeism, so yes I was ploughing on, going into work every day, delivering my lessons and, as luck would have it, it was my turn to deliver 4 assemblies. I mostly remember the Year 9 one on the Thursday. I usually had a free morning on Thursdays and had a list of work to get through as well as the assembly to deliver. Feeling particularly rough I had e-mailed the deputy who organized cover to please with him that whilst I was in the building could I be the last person he considered for cover as I had literally dragged myself in to meet my obligations. Not five minutes later the cover sheet came through, so I had assembly, a brief break for a cuppa and the cover. Delightful!
As the assembly started there was a bit of chatter in the audience, particularly from two girls giggling away. Normally there would be at least the Head of Year or Key Stage Deputy present for assemblies, no-one turned up that day, they would deal with this. Having see a senior colleague in tears a few weeks earlier as a result of shocking behviour when delivering as assembly to help someone out I was determined not to see the same happen to me. Feeling particularly rotten, knowing I had cover coming I simply didn’t have the patience, it was me or them. So, I dug deep and called out the two girls, one of the teachers in the audience kindly took them out. I then resolved to tell the rest of the year group they had two choices, behave and enjoy assembly, or go back to lesson and come back in their lunch break for assembly, honestly I wasn’t certain I would be able to follow through with this – breaking a golden rule of teacher consequences, but I went for it. Assembly passed without further incident. Later in the day I got an apology from the pastoral team for not being there and a couple of well dones from colleagues who had got fed up of recent poor behaviour. The day went on as normal, teaching and rolled into the Friday. I was exhausted and had a particularly testosterone fuelled Year 11 group I had recently taken back from a colleague. They weren’t great. I don’t think I had ever felt so pleased when they went home and I got in my car to go home for the weekend.
I spent that weekend reflecting. A manager from a previous incarnation had told me in an interview that we have three balls to juggle in life: health, family and work. He maintained we can only afford to drop one – work. I had been putting all my effort into keeping that one in the air at the cost of the others, particularly my health. Looking back on this point a few months later I recognized that at this time I had reached stage four of workplace burnout, and was indeed on the cusp of stage 5 where you really start to feel the physical symptoms. On Sunday I wrote my line manager an e-mail, delayed to arrive Monday morning asking for a meeting to discuss my workload and impact it was having on my health and wellbeing. She replied and we agreed to meet at the end of the day. Then around 10.30 / 11am the dreaded e-mail that all teachers hate arrived, Ofsted were coming in that week.
The department I run delivers some of the most consistently excellent results in the school, positive added value in both key stages year in year out, exceeding national statistics in all qualifications we deliver, and the team consistently delivering outstanding lessons. It was no surprise that, whilst we are an optional subject and not ebacc or national curriculum that we would have a deep dive as a strong department. All my current stresses about my job and health got bundled off deep down and I found the resolve to tackle the week. I attended meetings at the end of the day, the start of the next day and spent the Monday evening checking over my lessons, my marking, what the team had planned and departmental data. The day itself was very tiring, but didn’t feel too harsh. I must have spent about 5 hours with the inspector in meetings, having my lessons observed, carrying out joint observations and marking audits. Feedback at the end of the day was mostly positive, we needed to sharpen some aspects up but otherwise I think they agreed with our self-judgement. The next morning I did my usual pre-breakfast e-mail check to see one from our headteacher asking about out extra-curricular programe, apparently Ofsted though we had none, I sent a huge list back that clearly I had forgotten to go through. The lead inspector was still there on the Wednesday and wandering around, outside classrooms. By the end of Wednesday I was in zombie mode. By Friday morning my catholic guilt had set in and I felt I had let the side down and e-mailed the head to see if we could chat it through at some point. He immediately replied inviting me down. Thankfully I was team teaching that morning, by the time I got to his office I was in tears and we chatted for about and hour over a coffee. This gave me enough resolve to get through the rest of the day. I remained pretty much in a zombie mode for the following week, not sleeping well on the Thursday night and by 5am realized I couldn’t go into work. For the first time since starting I messaged in to say I couldn’t work and would send cover work – not bad for my 8th year there. I spent the day in bed, gradually feeling a little more human. I can honestly say that since that day until now I have probably only felt well for a couple of weeks.
Over the next three months my coughs, colds, and sore throats kept ebbing and flowing. I remember very clearly a dry cough starting on 7 February 2020, that Sunday we celebrated my step daughter’s 21st and I was on soft drinks as I didn’t feel great. Over the next week the cough became ‘productive’. Around this time we had been hearing about an illness emerging in Wuhan, China and spreading to Italy. My cough continued, but as it was productive and had been around for a while, I brushed it aside when we were being told to watch out for a new, persistent, dry cough. One morning a week I taught in another department’s classroom. Most of them also had coughs and colds and we thought perhaps as one of us recovered we caught it back from someone else. I loved my Friday morning lessons, we were running a Skills for Life programe and at that time were doing some practical household skills. We decided to do a healthy eating day and my colleague brought in load of great fruit to try – for many of our students it was the first time they had tried some of these. We maintained good hygiene as we both had colds. The following week my colleague was off sick and by about the Thursday my cough had taken on a new style. The Monday later she got her results and had tested positive for Covid, just as the government had stopped you being able to get tested. I will forever hold the following image in my memories. I was returning to staff development room having put some marked books in my classroom for the following morning as saw the headteacher and school nurse walking towards me. They pointed at me and said just the person, two other colleagues working in that room were in the same department as our Covid positive friend, the three of us were bundled into an office with the head and nurse to be given the news about the result. Everyone turned and looked at me, knowing I wasn’t well and I was told to collect my things and go home. It was strange feeling, avoiding everyone as I gathered my things and came home. As I drove over Cannock Chase I cried, something just wasn’t right.
I think when I got home I was in shock. I had to self isolate and send cover work in. I carried on with other admin work, and kind of starting the whole teaching from whole that the rest of the nation was about to experience a week early. I will never know if I had Covid or not, I suspect I did. I also suspect I had an element of long Covid, as for the next two or three months I would feel better for a couple of days and then relapse into exhaustion. I couldn’t face alcohol during most of this time and whenever I did venture so far as to have a drink, felt tired the next day. My positive (in so many ways!!) friend was having the same, she had been seriously ill and on the verge of hospitalization. I even shared a video clip of her struggling to breathe with my family to send home the message of how serious this illness was, especially to the younger ones who still believed they were invincible. I’m not sure if there may have been some kind of long Covid, burnout, cancer overlap going on here, but much of the time I was exhausted and very grateful that lockdown meant I could start work at the same time without having to get up at 5.30 am. Lockdown and distance teaching, CAGs and all of that was no walk in the park. It infuriated me hearing comments in the media that teachers weren’t working. I was still working harder than many people, but without the commuting and constant interruptions from my team I could get my work done in less time.
I actually think lockdown saved me from reaching complete burnout and gave me a chance to recharge a little. I didn’t take daily exercise as I was still coughing like a trouper and was afraid people would turn on me if I was out and about coughing. Thankfully we have enough space, separate work areas and a nice garden. There was personal heartbreak during this time. I missed seeing my family. Missing my granddaughter’s first birthday ripped my heart in two, especially as they had moved back into his parents’ house and Instagram was full of party pictures and a summer of them having fun. We stuck to the Covid rules, many didn’t. As a result we remained safe. I come from quite a sensible law-abiding family and am grateful for this. Some may look on and judge or question our commitment and love, but we know we did what was right, even if it hurt daily and we shed many a tear over it. I have always been grateful to my husband, he is a trooper and I couldn’t do what I do without him, but these next 12-18 months were to prove his real value. During that summer of lockdown he got me a paddling pool (not a human soup bowl, or hot tub). We had this and bunting out on the patio, played some classic Ibiza dance tracks and enjoyed (by now I was able to) a beer, or cocktail. It truly was a holiday at home. A good time to remember back to a year on after all the rubbish that has come along in the meantime.
Anyhow I ramble, we have now reached August 2020 and I am still coughing and experiencing sore throats. I have had three rounds of antibiotics and none of them are working. Having only previously taken an anti histamine daily I now have an inhaler for asthma, take tablets for reflux and use a nasal spray to prevent post nasal drip – all to try and sort my throat out. At this point my gp decides to refer me to a specialist.
