The rest of day 1 was spent overcoming the tsunami of emotions: shock, fear, anger, disbelief, guilt, the list goes on. There were 2 tasks at the top of the list
The Google rabbit hole can come later.
The past and the present were to heavily influence my decisions for the second task above. In hindsight I believe there was a lockdown silver lining that helped with this, and continues to. I can blub like the best of them at times, but I am fiercely independent and like to just get on with things without too much mithering, which is one of the few gifts kindly given by the crazy times we are living in. So, here comes a bit of back story.
The Past #1 - Mum
When I was about 8 mum started having to go for tests, I think it was spring / summertime as my 11 year old brother also had doctors checking his chest, which turned out to be hay-fever I think. Mum's outcome was world's apart. She had to go to hospital and have an operation, no-one said too much and back in the 80's we were kept very much in the dark. Dad had old school friends in the town where the hospital was, we'd never really met them before, but I remember spending time there when dad was visiting. One evening we were told the hospital had made a special agreement so that we could visit mum because she really wanted to see us. It was the first time I'd been to a hospital, I remember it feeling huge, the smell and strangeness of it all. Apart from snippets of conversation, and something about paper knickers, I rember little else. Didn't know at the time, but mum had had a mastectomy.
The hospital trips were to continue for the next couple of years, as mum went through various rounds of chemotherapy and I think radiotherapy. These left her tired, aged but still my mum. She put up the most amazing fight, tried all sorts of diet plans, which meant searching the country back then to find supplies for, by mail order with no Internet. Dad did all of this, whilst working and bringing the two of us up. Dad learnt how to wash and plait my long hair, do our teas, etc, with the occasional respite when grandma came to stay and help. Mum, given the way cancer was viewed back then determined not to let us remember her looking poorly, so woke herself to put her wig on and some colour in her cheeks before we got up. No-matter how exhausted she was, she got up every day. I found my first heroes in those times in my mum and dad.
My world fell apart in the summer of 1983, aged 10. One Friday night mum and I were both getting ready for bed as was our usual routine. Once we were ready I would go in her room for a cuddle before heading back to mine. That night as I was half changed I heard a cough from her room, it would turn out this was a gasp from my dad, I felt an overwhelming grey pain sweep right through my body and even at that tender age knew my life had changed. I gave no logical explanation, I just knew that my mum had left me and cried before anyone needed to tell me. I slept that night curled up with my brother, we would become the worst enemies at times in our teens, but that night we shared a broken hearted bond, and have been the absolute best of friends for the past 30 years or so now.
The Past #2 - Grandma
Mum's mum was a proper grandma. Full of cuddles and treats. I remember the smell of her perfume, the sherry in the drinks cabinet and her handbag which always contained a treat. She filled a gap left when mum died and as a teenager we chatted about all sorts, even the story of her wedding night! She was my world.
Aged 19 in my second year at uni I didn't quite feel well, wasn't sure and arranged some time off at uni. I was planning to visit a friend for a couple of days and popped in to the flat downstairs to ask a friend to take notes for me. She said there was a man upstairs to see me. I had an agreement (this was pre mobile 90's) with Dad he didn't just turn up, so when I walked into the flat I knew something was wrong. I knew in was grandma.
She had watched her husband and then daughter go through cancer treatment and die. She knew she had lung cancer and wasn't prepared to go through the treatment. She had been admitted to hospital. I headed back home with Dad. I managed to get a couple of visits in. On the Thursday evening she was fairly lucid, and told me she was ready to see my mum, I held her hand and told her to give her a kiss and hug from me. She needed one of us to give her our blessing to go. The next day as I was about to pick up her sister to visit we got a call. She'd gone, peacefully.
So, we are no strangers in our family to this beastly disease.
The present # 1- Covid
Covid has undoubtedly changed how we have all had to handle our diagnosis. I have only seen my brother and dad and their families twice each in the past year. Like most people all key celebrations have been marked by video call. Its been a godsend once everyone sorted the technology and technique! It also means we have barely seen our granddaughter, missing her first birthday and so many more milestones. The other grandparents haven't been so cautious, which has been like a knife twisting in my heart.
The present # 2 - Looking out for others
I am so proud of my stepdaughter. She has handled her beautiful surprise of discovering she was pregnant at 6 months aged 20 with admirable maturity. She's a fab mum. Lockdown has been hard, 2 months in she and her partner decided it wasn't working. Without ready access to friends, and us it has been hard. A couple of times we had planned to see her we had to cancel as I was self isolating having been in contact with a pupil who tested positive. The week I got my call she had her driving test, and pressure as she was settling into a new job and trying to take on the mortgage on her own. Lots going on. I decided I couldn't tell her by phone.
The present (and past)
I got the cupboard call on 3 December. 4 December was 28 years to the day since my grandma died, and my nephew's 17th birthday. I couldn't call my dad or brother until the Saturday. I wanted my nephew to have his birthday.
My lovely mum and grandma, along with nanna on my Christening Day
The first call - dad
There was no real easy way to do this. I'd been video calling most weekends during lockdown. I'd messaged in the week to say I was self isolating again, so things started with that. I then just had to bite the bullet. I started with the mri, then said I'd had a call about malignant lumps. Bang - it was out there. At some point I'm sure we'll talk about the emotions dad went through. For me it was mostly guilt, that I was putting him through this again. There was lots about not having the details, more appointments and keeping him posted. Then asking him not to tell anyone until I'd made 2 more calls. I am sure comments were made about things being different now, but I was determined not to compare. As per the title of this blog - my mantra throughout this is 'not this time'.
The second call - my brother
This one had to be done in 2 steps. I'd missed them on the Friday, so the first call was all birthday focused, determined to keep that as normal as lockdown allowed. I then messaged my brother and sister in law to say I needed another chat, without the boys. They knew there was something serious in this. So, bang number 2 - mri, malignant lumps, appointment next week. Tears followed. My sister in law gives the most amazing, love filled hugs that make everything right in the world, I have never felt so in need of one as I did then. I asked them to explain to my nephews, no secrets, but in the way they felt best. Again I was stricken with guilt. A couple of weeks later we had a good chat and admitted to each other cancer has been the elephant in the room. We had both grown up thinking when rather than if, that bizarrely we had now unmasked the enemy and could fight it.
The third call - my stepdaughter
Given everything going on we decided this one couldn't be a call. Covid aside we had to prioritise wellbeing and we weren't going to make a call to her, sitting at home on her own. Knowing the path we had ahead too we also determined to have a bit if granddaughter time too. So we arranged for them to come over, the weekend after her driving test. This was also after I had seen the head & neck consultant. To be fair, this one fell to my husband. He broke the news in the car, just as they were picking up the baby from her dad's. I believe they both cried. Yes, we hugged when they got here. We both needed that. But, drawing on the strength and example set by my mum I very matter of factly went through what we knew.
Once we'd had these 3 conversations, the others were a little easier. I had no guilt with everyone else, probably because everyone else gets to choose whether or not to walk this path with me. Those closest haven't been given that option. Having said that, I have been overwhelmed by the support, kindness and friendship of those who have chosen to join us.
