Looking for an open ear or two!

1 minute read time.

I was diagnosed with Carcinoid Cancer in March 2010. I had it in 2004 as well but had both tumors removed. My surgeon was 110% sure he got it all! Wrong! This time there is no chance of surgery, to many tumors.  When I was diagnosed I was told I had 4 inoperable tumors between my right lung & my liver. I thought my life was over at that point. I decided to go to CTCA (Cancer Treatment Centers of America) for a 2nd opinion. There I had a PET Scan. This showed that I didn't have 4 tumors, I had 20 to 30!! I didn't know what to say or do then!! I just went numb all over.

I received Sandostatin injections from April 2010 to June 2011. I had a CT Scan in July 2011 which showed my cancer had spread. So much for having a slow growing cancer! I have this disease in 6 different places now: liver, both lungs, lower spine, left breast, cervix & uterus. I now take 2 different chemo pills. One of which really gets me down, mentally & physically. It is bad enough having this disease but not being able to talk to anyone about it makes it worse. I believe my husband is still in denial, my daughter won't talk about it, my son will on occasion. I have opened up to a sister-in-law once. Her responses make me think she believes I am dying. Needless to say I don't talk to her about how I feel anymore.

I have days where I just want to scream, cry, throw things, curl up & hide & whatever else you can imagine but noone to talk to about it to help me through. I feel I am supposed to keep everything bottled up inside & not speak of it.

I know someone out there knows how I feel. I am just looking for a place to vent & someone to talk to that understands.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Today was, well I don't know what to say about it, it just was. I am so thankful that God granted me this day but it was truly a waste. A truly depressing day, and now a depressing evening. Oh how I wish I could talk to my husband about all of this. I think it would make it easier somehow for me. How I have managed to get thru it I don't know, but it isn't over yet. Only with God's grace have I been able to function this cloudy, rainy Monday. This has been one of those days that I want to scream, cry, throw things and yes, I even thought about packing up & leaving. I didn't do any of those things but right now I could break down so easy.

    I feel bad for my husband for everything he is having to go thru because of me. I know I have put extra stress on him. I am no longer able to work but I am on disability so I am still contributing to the household income. I feel guilty I can't work, not even part-time, to help bring in more income. We make enough to pay all the bills with enough left over for everything else we need & more. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

    I have my own little building where I can do my sewing although I haven't used in quite some time now. I cleaned it up this past Saturday with full intentions of getting back out there. I told this to Kenny, my husband, and he just looked at me & said "Well I guess that means I have to a new door put on it." I told him that I wasn't hinting at that, I wasn't worried about the door, his comment? "Yeah, right." Needless to say he & his brother put a new door on it for me Sunday. Later in the evening he was complaining about how long it took.

    I am starting to feel he would be better off & happier if I was to leave. That way I wouldn't be such a burden on him & he wouldn't have to worry about my mounting medical bills. I just don't know!!  :-(

    Hopefully tomorrow will be better & I get back on the right track.