So on Tuesday this week I had a surreal experience - a CT scan in a portakabin in the hospital car park. I found it hard to keep a straight face as the masked technician s--t--r--e--t--c--h--e--d across to take my temperature before letting me in to his tin box. I wish it could have been captured on video - it must have looked like something out of a scii-fi film - masks, visors, scanners, hand decontamination liquids.......the only thing missing was the likes of Liam Neeson or Mel Gibson rushing in to save the day.
Results tomorrow - via phone - again. I haven't seen an oncologist all year. It's not the same done by phone. There's no nodding at familiar faces in the waiting room and the feeling of relief as you see you're all still here. On the clutching at straws bright side, there's no stomach churning as you realise a "regular" is missing from the waiting room.
There's no bad coffee and good chat - no feeling that you're not alone with this illness. It's a social gathering where you are no longer the odd one out. The rest of the crowd know that your ears aren't affected. You don't have to be whispered to or shouted at. Seriously, sometimes I want to reply to people in the same volume "FINE THANK YOU" and see how they like being yawped at.
People just sit and chat about pets, gardens, the weather, the buses, the wait, the telly - anything. They're people on the inside of this.
People on the outside of this - you can recognise them because they all have something wrong with their necks. Every last one of them approaches you and just being in your presence seems to affect their neck muscles. Their head falls over to one side.... have you noticed? Have a look next time an acquaintance approaches you. - are very limited when talking to an Insider. Their topics of conversation seem limited to on or two of the following:
HOW ARE YOU - subtext: No, don't tell me. I didn't REALLY want to know the ins and outs.
MY RELATIVE HAD THAT AND: they either died horribly OR cured it with mustard powder and naked dancing round the apple tree every Tuesday night.
DO THEY KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT? subtext: we shop in the same supermarket. It wasn't the own brand dog food that did this, was it? If so I'm never buying it again.
and, my own personal favourite: last but not least:
I'VE BEEN THINKING OF YOU - yeah. Thinking how you can avoid me because you don't know what to say, you mean. I've noticed that you haven't been around. I've noticed that you don't drop off an Avon book any more. (I mean - wtf? I might not have that much hair anymore and my consumption of shampoo and conditioner has significantly dropped but I still need shower gel and moisturiser and crap!) - you're only talking to me now because you bumped into me and couldn't avoid it. I know that you don't know what to say - so SAY that. Better than saying nothing at all.
Anyway - chuntering away here has used up half an hour. Now I am that bit closer to the results tomorrow. Off to find something else to distract me from worrying for a bit - maybe look for a new Avon lady......
