i was a market trader for 21 years always on the move plenty to do when i got to 50 i retired becaue of my spinal problems and arthritis last year i was diagnosed with the cancer it was found by accident with a routine blood test, i then had bone scans mri scans bone marrow asperations the full works, by then i was at stage 4 with the cancer contained in the bone marrow, this year i had all my tests repeated omly to find it had moved on and is now spinal with two other tumors growing, i went into a denial stage having only lostmy sister 4 months earlier to breast cancer she was omly 54, i now live on morhine for my arthritis and joint problems which gives me some quality of life but stops me driving, and i live in a very rural area, i then had a bad bout of depression set in caused i think by everything happening and having no control over my life, i have been on a watch and wait approach untill last week when i started raidiotherapy,i dont know if anyone else feels the same as me but i find it hard not being able to plan things out, i dont know if anyone else has felt that family members can be cruel with comments they make and can be either ashamed or afraid to come near any more, so i rely on outside frieds for help. it isnt as if i asked for this problem but just got it to deal with, and cope as best as i can at least i have my dog she never leaves me, i now suffer with a bad bout of depression and wonder if this is normal or just me not fighting hard enough to beat thisi have read quite a few blogs on here and you all sound so brave and i do find a comfort from reading of peoples acheivments in beating this disease,and everyone is so pleasent and helpfull, thank you to you all
love nigel xxx
5/9/08
well this week has been a low week for me i think the treatment is beging to take its toll now ive been very depressed now not able to drive no more i applied for one of them disabled bus passes, what a mistake its taken me 4 days and 3 letters to convince the council im british and now i only think i have convinced them they havent said so yet,and sent me the pass, all i need then will be a bus service out here,at least my gp has been supportive for me as always,i do think sometimes it would be nice to know what tomorrow holds in store, i only wish i felt in control of my life and not this disease all the time,i hope one day i will get to beat it but just at the moment it dont feel like i am,
well sorry but i had to have a moan
nigel xxxx
FormerMember
Nice to meet you. I hope that by joining the site that you will find new friends and gain as much comfort and support as I have done. It certainly sounds as though you feel you are struggling alone wwith your cancer - well here you will make more friends who truly understand what that it like. I am glad that you have your dog as a companion - I too would be lost without mine (check him out on my profile sometime). You mention that your friends are more support than family - what nice friends - I hope you tell them how much you appreciate their help. As for your depression I think it is an understandable side effect of the devastation that cancer brings into out lives - lets face it - its not always easy to look forward with any degree of confidence and yes, making plans can be tricky, especially in and around courses of treatment. I myself have a terminal diagnosis and am often asked how it is that I manage - and I dont really know half the time Nigel. Except that my two daughters need me and so I am dragged into the necessities of life by looking after them. I have had various forms of treatments since being told I was terminal the day before my birthday in February but have tried to make the most of any opportunity to go out with friends and spend some fun times with them. I try to 'make hay while the sun shines' so when I am well enough I try to do something. This week taking the dog out for a proper long walk was one achievement. I expect a rural setting has many difficulties for you - are there any support groups for cancer sufferers in your locality? Also you do not mention whether or not you have the support of a Macmillan nurse - I have found mine to be of great value since initial diagnosis in 2005 - and would hope that you too are gaining support from one. I was also wndering whether talking to someone like a psychologist who specialises in patients with cancer would be helpful for you - to talk through your feelings - I know we have one at our hospital - maybe your oncologist could refer you. I wish you well Nigel, and hope that you continue to visit and make friends here on this site. Best wishes, Jools x
Hi Nigel, I read your Profile as well as your Blog, and God what a rotten hand you've been dealt in life. Yet, do I hear any self pity in your writing? NO! If you think of us who write on this site as brave, then I can assure you that you've earned the right to that word, truly! Depression is a bloody awful illness to suffer from, and I can verify that as a FACT, having suffered with it for a whole year, prior to cancer, when it literally knocked every bit of stuffing out of me. So, I can appreciate what it must be like to have it as another contender in this bloody awful battle we all fight every day. To lose your sister to cancer at such a young age, is another cruel blow, but then we all know that as well as being a beautiful thing, life CAN be cruel, and lots of us have the scars to prove it. In life, all these things are thrown at us, BUT, we have one piece of armour with which we are able to fight for the right to stay standing - the HUMAN SPIRIT! Thank goodness we all have it, because it can achieve great things on our behalf. You sound as though you have bucketfuls of human spirit Nigel. Family and friends I suppose can be cruel with thoughtless throw away remarks or comments that they make, although so far, I haven't had any experience of it. I've had a couple of friends disappear into the ethos as soon as they heard I had cancer, but I don't afford them the time to think or ponder on their reasons for behaving in such a way. So, Nigel, don't let family, friends or anyone else upset you with their thoughtlessness, concentrate on yourself and getting through your own battle. It's a shame that you can no longer drive, due to morphine - have you spoken to any of the McMillan/cancer care nurses at the hospital about getting you something called a "Taxi Card", it's something they can apply for on your behalf, and means it can be used by you for transport, but instead of you being charged the full fare, you pay something like £2.00 for any journey. Well worth asking about. Well, Nigel the Brave, I send you lots of love, and a good few hugs over the internet, xxxxxxxxxxxxx's kate
Hi Nigel the Brave - I forgot to mention your dog! Yes, they can bring such comfort and love into our lives - pets. So, hold on to her/him, as they are extremely loyal, and true. With regards to your depression, I would discuss it with your GP, if he/she is sympathetic or mention it to the cancer care people. Do you like music? I love it, and listen to it loads of times through the day - have my MP3 stuck in my ears, and "bop along" like a mad thing - I'm not in the first flush of youth, being 55, but who said only the young can have fun, hahaha. Books are another life saver for me. But I guess, it's whatever YOU love doing which will be of the most benefit to you. Once again, love, hugs and xxxxxxx's kate Keep fighting the good fight xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yes,k you sound very isolated, and I think lots of us have found one of the biggest psychological problems when we had to give up work was that suddenly we change from speaking to lots of people every day to being thrown very much onto our own resources. It's a hard transition to make, especially when like you, you have mobility problems with your arthritis and the bone thing. I hope that making friends with some of us other Stage 4-ers on this site will help you a bit.
So glad you have your dog, and I can imagine how much comfort that it, but it does sound like you are getting a very raw deal from your family. I'm afraid some of them are like that. Sometimes it happens through people not understanding what's happening, or through being scared of not knowing what to say, or of breaking down in front of you. I hope that some of them do start coming round as you do need as much support and practical help as you can get.
Personally I find that the reason some of my blogs are so upbeat is because of belonging to this site, meeting people who understand, and feeling like I am not the only person in the world with this wretched thing. Hope we can make a difference for you Nigel. I see you have already had good suggestions from some lovely people already.
