To cope or not to cope?

Hi there my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on the 20th of oct from a ct, biopsy taken two weeks later. On Friday we have to meet with specialist to speak about options, result of biopsy and has it spread. I totally understand how you feel I just wanted to curl up and cry, close my eyes wake up and pretend it was a dream. I have been off work four wks went back yesterday and have the news coming to my dad and family Friday. I have been attending my doc weekly thirty min appointment and he agreed I have anticipatory grieving same as you. I have imagined me in the funeral car, the hymns, the flowers, what i will be wearing these thoughts are scarey, overpowering and consuming totally. Like you I have had two other breavements in the last year and the news of my dad the doc said has just knocked me over the edge, no resource left to cope. I have been taking a sleepeze tablet, u can buy from chemist works well for me. My doc after four wkd has agreed two mg of diazapan twice a day again has made a huge difference to my extreme level of anxiety as it was getting out of control. If you want to talk more send a friend request would be good to keep in touch our situations are similar.

Hi Fat Cat and Cool Water - first welcome to the site of reluctant members - you will find information support and love on here - you have just joined the Mac Family !!

What you may not realise you have just found so many knowledgeable and supportive friends - you just have not met us all yet

Wish people would not ask questions just when I need my bed ! - OK new experience - I am just a guy and going to attempt multi-tasking - know it probably will not work - but hell we all love a challenge - so two answers in one Fatcat and Coolwater ! - how do we manage or cope - maybe I need to ask - what time scale are we talking - when we get diagnosed or a while after ? - want to work through my stages  ?

When we get Diagnosed - then Probably we don't cope - we go to pieces - the first reaction is to look around and question who is being told they have cancer ? can't be us - it only happens to others ! We get thrown loads of info - staging, Gleason's and various other details that means absolutely nothing ! - The professionals mean well and will explain if we need them to - what they do not understand is our comprehension is a single word - Cancer !!  

All we understand is we are going to die and that is scary !! - We may of lived a normal life, OK - we all have some regrets, the thing we did or meant to do - but we can always do that another day ? - Suddenly we learn - err there are a limited number of other days !

Very few of us have ever committed murder, OK we may of considered it with the M.I.L. - but hell - we would not of done it - but now - no trial - no defence  - but some Guy from medical college hands us a note that says - do not pass go, do not collect £500  go direct to death row - so yes we are frightened.

Next comes the numb period - OK they did  mean us - but what about modern medicine - they keep coming up with miracle cures for Cancer - hell they announce one every night on the 6 o'clock news. The thoughts of the Family. the kids and the relatives. First - can I find the words to tell them ? Wish I had taken that option on the Insurance when it was offered ! Could go on all night but the patients already know the questions.

Next we Goggle - Wrong !! - that is so scary they give the accurate info - but never explain the real terms - maybe more scary than the original DX.

Then we engage our brains and we start searching  for info that is accurate and may even offer hope - what  do others in our position know  and we then find site like the Mac Site. Maybe for the first time in weeks or months we start to read what other in our position are going through - what the treatments are and how they cope withe these treatment.

Someone explains Cancer does not mean you have an automatic, immediate death sentence.  that with modern drugs, treatments and knowledge so many make a full recovery - so many live a fully functioning life that may last for many years.

OK - not every story is a success and that does hurt - because so often we know the people who battle so bravely and loose the fight - but hell they fought, our lives were richer for knowing them and while they are in our memory they live on  for ever.

So maybe the answer to your question is we cope by being supported by people who love us - be it real family or Mac family - we are never alone - when we feel low or need to chat we know we can talk to people who not only understand but empathise - they have been where we are - they may still be there now - but we can say we are scared, we can ask how others coped with chemo or radio therapy - we can ask friend we know but whom we will never meet - some of the questions we ask we could never ask of our real Family  without causing them pain and distress.

Final answer as to how we cope - we find the Mac Site or other specific Cancer sites - please never goggle ! - so you are both already well on with learning to cope !! and welcome to the Mac Family

We are all dying  - from the day we are born - each day we get a day closer, just some of us are lucky enough to be reminded and get that wake-up call - live today - yesterday is gone - and no one is guaranteed tomorrow.

So Stay Strong - lean on us and welcome

Love and hugs to you both

John xx

Hi Fatcat and Coolwater...I'm so very sorry you both find yourselves here..! But you're amongst good friends..of which John is one of mine..!!

I can totally relate to how you're both feeling...I lost my Dad to Bowel Cancer on New Years Day 2009. He was diagnosed on 14th August 2008...the worst day of my life..! Everything you've both said, has so hit a chord with me. I think I understand how you're feeling...I did the same, imagined the funeral, how life would be when he'd gone, to me, it's almost testing yourself to see what it's like, how you'd feel, if you'd be coping. I believe it to be some sort of defence mechanism...like you're preparing yourself for the worst..so I do understand. You know fatcat, I am whisked back to when my Dad was diagnosed and I understand the total and utter heartbreak you're feeling..it's your Dad afterall. I think you can't actually take it in, how can it be happening to my Dad..? But...I am here, the other  side of it and,you do cope, you do manage, you do find it inside yourself to support others...that inner strength just finds it's way to the surface...dont' worry, it will come without you even trying. You will get through this...and as John says, both him, myself and other Mac family will be here to support you both, every step. And that's it...as I told my Mum from the very beginning...it's a step at a time, then a day at a time. Take each bit as it comes. Spend as much time as you can with your Dads...be there for any hospital appointments if you can, and just soak him up..!!! You will already have some wonderful memories, what we did was make some Golden Nugget Memories...little gems we would always remember, extra special...even little things. One of mine is a time my Mum and Dad were leaving my house, and my Dad, always the gentleman, helped my Mum in the car, then walked round to get in himself...and just looked over to me, waved and shouted ''Iove you''. I will remember that always. So to me, that's one of my Golden Nuggets. my dear friends...be as brave as you can be, let the tears fall if they need to (don't bottle them up!) and take a step at a time. We're all here for you. And Fatcat, my long winded way of saying....you WILL cope..! Take care of yourselves and your loved ones. Sending big hugs, Janey x x x

God.... another crisis point, after having the lung biopsy done less that 48hrs ago the consultant has called to ask to see dad for an emergency appointment this afternoon... The intensive care nurse in me always looks at the worse case scenario... lets hope.............

I'm thinking about you and your Dad Fatcat. I hope things aren't as bad as you're thinking...it's only human nature to jump to the worst possible scenario. I'm here if you need to chat...pm me if you like. Take care...and let us know how things are x x x