If you’re a parent, being told you have cancer can bring with it an extra wave of questions and emotions about your children. You may feel anxious about telling them or even whether to tell them. You may immediately think about what will happen to them if you don’t get better. Or you may wrack your brains to come up with an explanation of cancer that your youngest will understand, or wonder how your teenager will react to the news.
In this blog, our editor Elissia offers some advice and support on talking to children and teenagers about cancer.
Should I tell my children about the cancer?
Although I’m not yet a mum, I feel I have reached the point where I fully appreciate how much my parents love me. So I can easily imagine that, as a parent, your gut reaction might be to protect your children from the news that you have cancer. You might be worried about the disruption the news could cause, or not quite feel you can cope with your child being upset. It’s a completely natural way to feel.
But telling children has lots of benefits. Your children may have already picked up on things that are happening around them – hushed conversations, phone calls, or people coming and going that they aren’t used to. They may:
How do I explain cancer?
The main things children need to know are the name of the cancer, where it is and how it will be treated. One example of how to explain cancer is to say:
‘I have a lump growing inside my body (explain which part) that shouldn’t be there. It’s called cancer and I’m going to have an operation to take it away (or some medicine to help me get better). After that, the doctor will give me medicine so that the lump doesn’t come back.’
Teenagers may have learnt about cancer at school, or have friends whose family members have had cancer. They may also search the internet for information – you could help them understand if the information they find is relevant.
When Debbie was diagnosed with breast cancer, two of her children were in their teens, and the other just 5 years old. In this video, she shares her experience of talking to them about cancer.
How might my children react?
Their reactions will depend quite a bit on how old they are.
Babies and toddlers won’t understand, but will notice changes to their routine. Try to keep things as familiar as possible.
3 to 5 year olds won’t really understand, but may pick up on your emotions and changes in what they’re used to. They might think wishing can make things happen, or that the cancer was caused by something they did.
6 to 12 year olds understand more details about cancer. They might not tell you what they are worried about, but it could be things like you dying, that they’ve caused the cancer or that they can catch it. You may see changes in their behaviour, concentration, schoolwork or friendships.
Teens usually completely understand the cancer and what it means. But they may not want to talk about it, or about how they feel. They may want to help out more around the house. This was all true for my 17-year-old self when my dad got cancer. I rarely talked to my parents about what was happening, but was very aware of the impact on day-to-day life. I wanted to help my mum any way I could and often picked up the shopping on my way home from school.
What can help
These are just a few of the questions that you might need answers to. Our booklet Talking to children and teenagers when an adult has cancer has more information about telling your children you have cancer, including choosing the right time and place and how to tell them. We also have tips on spotting when your children need help and support about changes to family life.
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We're with you every step of the way
The Macmillan team is here to help. Our cancer support specialists can answer your questions, offer support, or simply listen if you need a chat. Call us free on 0808 808 00 00.
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