In this blog, Debbie talks about her childhood experiences of cancer in the family.
‘I just don’t understand. I’ve never smoked. I watch what I eat...’
Those were the words I heard that told me my mum had cancer. Or at least, I was 70% sure it was cancer. Because smoking caused cancer, right? I knew that. But I was sure smoking caused other diseases too. It could be something else, no? But do you get cancer if – an armchair creaked and I scarpered back into my bedroom.
I was 11 years old. Hiding behind the cupboard in the hallway. I wanted to know what the terrible secret was.
Mum went into hospital, had her operation and she came out again. And life continued as it had before. It was never talked about again. I didn’t ask because they didn’t want me to know - I didn’t want to upset them further. Whatever it was, it was clearly something bad.
And I never told anyone I’d overheard that conversation.
We naturally want to protect our children from upsetting news. But children know when something serious is affecting their family.
Consider these benefits of talking to your children and teenagers:
Eventually, my mum told me she’d had breast cancer. Nine years later. She thought it was important I knew for the sake of my own health. I told her I’d known all along.
Being on the outside of the big secret left me feeling that I wasn’t trustworthy enough to know. It also left me to cope with my fears and feelings alone. As a result, I spent my early teenage years going to the GP with one ailment or another - worried I’d get cancer too. I didn’t talk about it with my mum because that was something we didn’t do. I didn’t want to upset her.
Not talking to your children or teenager about cancer may mean they:
My mum’s cancer returned when I was 22 and she died just after my 24th birthday. Don’t get me wrong – my mum and I were close. But I wish she hadn’t spent so many years trying to protect me. And I wish I hadn’t spent so many years tip-toeing around her feelings – trying to protect her. I wish we’d both been more open with each other while we had had the chance.
Telling your children you have cancer can be one of the most difficult conversations you have. But, if done well, it can bring your family closer and be a huge source of comfort to all involved. What is family there for if not for that?
Our free booklet Talking to children and teenagers when an adult has cancer discusses ways to tell your children and what kinds of reactions you might expect. You can also read this information on our website, where you can watch a video of one lady explaining how she told her children about her breast cancer.
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