Looking after someone with terminal cancer: your feelings are important too

If you’re looking after someone whose cancer can’t be cured, you may be dealing with a range of emotions. You might feel confused, angry, guilty, anxious, or overwhelmed. You may feel like you should always be ‘positive’ for the person you are looking after, and therefore push your own emotions to one side. But your feelings and emotions are important too! This blog contains useful information and practical advice that we hope will help you.

Caring for someone is very hard work, both physically and emotionally. You and your family and friends are likely to be very aware of how the person you care for is feeling, but people may forget to ask how you are feeling. Remember that your feelings are important too.

People sometimes feel guilty about having emotions like anger, or for wanting a break from it all, but these are natural reactions. Don’t apologise for your feelings or try to put them to one side – however you feel is okay.

Remember that no one can be positive all the time

As a carer, you may feel like you should ‘be positive’ for the sake of the person you look after. Your family or friends may say you should keep being positive to help you through this difficult time. But it’s not always easy – a lot of people have periods of feeling low at some time in their lives, and this is completely natural.

No one can be positive all the time. It’s important that you don’t feel you must always stay on top of things. Being positive doesn’t mean having to feel happy and cheerful all the time. It’s a positive thing to acknowledge and talk about it if you’re feeling tired, worried, depressed or angry.

Being positive can mean different things to different people. It’s generally about dealing with whatever situation you’re in, being optimistic and finding ways of coping. People do this in different ways. What works for one person may not work for another. Below are some practical tips about keeping positive which may help you:

• Don’t forget that you are only human and your best is good enough. Try to feel good about the fact that you’ve made a difference to the person you’re caring for.
• Try some activities that distract you from the situation, even if it’s just taking a short walk or reading the newspaper. You may feel you can’t or don’t want to leave your loved one, but a quick timeout can help refresh you, so you’re better able to support them. It’s important to look after your own mental well-being at this time.
• Keep up your hobbies and interests where possible.
• Talking about good times with the person you care for and not worrying about your current situation can help to lift your spirits, and theirs.
• You might find yourself constantly worrying about your loved one or the future. But this means you might be missing out on enjoying your moments together now. Try to take things one day at a time. At the end of each day, try to remember something good you both did that day, or something that made you both laugh.

However you’re dealing with things at the moment, be proud of yourself. Just by being there for your loved one, you are making a big difference. Try to be kind to yourself and accept offers of help and support from friends and family. Ask your nurse about counselling if you’re struggling to cope with the emotions – it can be very helpful.

What information is available?

Our free booklet Looking after someone with cancer has been written by carers, for carers. It covers the many aspects of caring and tells you where you can get help if you need some for yourself. 

No two experiences of caring are the same. That’s why this booklet is not meant to be a list of instructions on how to be a carer. Instead, it includes lots of practical things that we hope you can relate to and find useful.

We also have a booklet called Caring for someone with advanced cancer, which aims to help if you’re looking after someone who is dying at home. It includes information on caring for someone at home, your emotions, practical advice and where to get more support.

The online tool Find me help can help you find health and social care support in your area when someone is nearing the end of life.

Talk to us

Always remember that you are not alone!

The Macmillan team is with you every step of the way – if you’d like to talk to someone, please get in touch with us. Or join our Carers only online community group, where you can share your experiences, meet others in similar situations, ask questions and make friends. You’re not alone in feeling the way you do. Some people find putting their thoughts and fears into writing can help. 

Knowing what to say is difficult for everyone who is affected by cancer. But finding the courage to talk to someone could make all the difference to your cancer journey.

We hope this blog has helped you find the support you need. If you need any further help, please call us on 0808 808 00 00. We’re here for you.

Comments? Feel free to add them below (you need to be logged in – if you still can't see the comment box, click on this blog's title at the top).

Keep in touch Follow Macmillan’s cancer information team on Twitter @mac_cancerinfo

To see what else Macmillan's cancer information team has been blogging about, please visit our blog home page! You can subscribe to receive our blogs by email or RSS too.