So the day my world fell apart I was at work on a normal day struggling to focus on my work, when I got a message from my mum asking me to drop in and see her on my way home from work, I walked into my work kitchen to refill my water bottle and then had another message from her....
I've just been told I have cancer of the pancreas.
The world feel out from below me, I did not know what to think I stood there frozen in panic and shock as a stared at the message, rereading it over and over, then another message.....
Oh shit, thought I was sending a reply to friend, didn't want you to hear like that sorry.
I snapped out of it and called her, she explained she had had a call and they wanted her to go have further scans more indepth, and she has a appointment on the 26th to meet with the Dr.
I managed to stay calm during this conversation, but as soon as I got off the phone, I desolved into tears and panicked breathing, lucky one of my colleagues found me and managed to calm me enough to find out what was wrong and got my supervisor and they then sent me home as I was in no state mentaly to work.
I went straight to my mums and just hugged her and she apologed over and over about the text.
Since she had spoken to me earlier she had a appointment for the next scan which was not for 2 weeks. And they they said they were going to rush everything through and she was going for blood.tests etc.
I got home later told my husband and weny into a full blown panic attact crying and barely able to breathe once i calmed down my ADHD hyperfocus went into overdrive and I looked up everything on pancreatic cancer and none of it was good, most gave 2/3 month prognosises. And very low survival rates only 5% over 5 years due to its syptomology being very under the radar till to late. Listening to podcasts and reading everything.
2 weeks later she got the scan and then another week goes by till the appointment with the Dr, I at this time am prepared for the worst, and that is what comes or feels like anyway. The lovely Natalie the cancer nurse was there, and I know all the questions to ask but it's not great, they want to do a Endoscopy to remove cells to confirm but they know what it is and its wrapped around a major blood vessel which means its unresectable. All they can do is chemo and they say there is a very low chance of it reducing to a point they can resect which is the only way it would be curable.
Mum is in pieces but I'm holding it together for her.
They cannot organise the Endoscopy for another 2 weeks as the Dr who does it is on bloody holiday, why do they only have 1? I love the NHS but with it was properly funded. But frustration.
After all the research u have done I know how little time me have with this and its not just killing mum its killing me. Only day after work I call someone at macmillan and cry my eyes out with frustration and fear. Don't they know how fast pancreatic cancer spreads compared to others and they need to do something now.
I will.leave this section here and come back soon hopefully to give the next section.
