I want my Mum
I so want my mum right now to give me that big cuddle and tell me everything will be ok. (55yr old sobbing mess).
Its not a good blog Im afraid and wont be offended if you dont read it.
Its 3.30am and I cant sleep, cant stop crying either so god knows how the spelling is going. Never been hot on that anyway. Cant get spell check to work either grrrrrrrrr
I have read so many horrendous journeys on here and feel at times that I am intruding as I think in spite of Daves troubles we have had it mild compared to others not so fortunate.He didnt need to have chemo and I dont understand half the things you go on about with regards to it. I did find out what a PICC (PIC, PCC) line is. Such pain in my heart as many of you have and will be losing a loved one. Dont mean to offend.
Am I going to lose My David too? I know that day will come but thought it would be of old age, not this fucking desease that has change our lives so dramatically. Am I jumping the gun here as his biopsy and ultrasound is today at 12pm so dont know anything yet. Im jumping the gun. Is that even an expression? Brain not working !! Think Im having a meltdown!!!!!
This past week has been hard, they cancelled his original appointment last week. Stressed aint the word. Very snappy with each other even though we tried so hard not to be.
Have made myself busy with sorting out the caravan, cleaned, repaired and damaged all in one session. Did the loft and spare room today. Even managed to make a curtain. Amazing how heavy a box becomes when your trying to hold it above your head as you climb a ladder :( 2yrs ago Dave would have done the loft loading, not me.
It was while I was washing up it happened.
We have a griddle pan with a removeable handle, I was putting it back together but couldnt screw it in tight enough so screamed abuse at it. Dave said he would do it, WHEN !!!!!!!!! Then he said "what will you do when Im not here anymore", quick as a flash I replied "bin the bloody thing". Thats when we started our cancer returning talk.
He tried so hard not to cry, to spare my feelings yet again. It is what it is. Hate those words as he has been using them alot lately. Obviously we dont want it back, not even sure it is back, so why are we asuming it has come back. Dave, thats why. He is sure its back.
From day one he never asked questions, then asked me what will happen? He went along with whatever they wanted to do, even stopped me going to appointments because I was taking up their time by asking questions, god sake one of us had to ask. So I would ring Debbie his cancer support nurse, and find out what was happening. She is a diamond, my lifeline at times. He is feeling defeated, neglected, let down. This all came out last night after the washing-up episode. The waiting sure messed us up emotionaly. I know Dave is the patient, the one that had the massive op and reconstruction, the radiotherapy, the swine flu 3wks into it. the abcesses on his peg site, the chronic depression, and the family issues that have come up during the past 2yrs. Ive been beside him through it all. ME, not our kids,although supportive on many things, or his so called close brothers and sisters or even his lifelong friends. I lost it and told him exactly that, he crumbled and said he was sorry, hells bells I felt great after that, NOT!!!. We are ok now, just a spanner in the works for a brief moment.
It is always there at the back of your mind, with every new ache or new pain. You never think logically that your legs ache because you went out walking for a change, or your arm hurts because you over stretched. Before the cancer we would have come to those conclusions, not now, cancer forever at the front of your mind. I hope its just another strange lump that has popped up for a bit and then will go away.
If it turns out that he is clear, what then? As he said, does the pain in his ear, neck and head go away there and then? Will they look into it if it dont? I cant answer his questions anymore. Im so afraid that it is back. I cant help thinking the worst anymore, how will he cope if it is back? Would he have chemo if offered? Could I cope watching him suffer anymore? I suppose we block it out of our daily lives, the cancer I mean. Dont want to dwell on it, too easy for it to consume us (Dave and me). Then it comes back to kick you up the arse. Lets get this day over without falling out again, please :(
Lost all track of my thoughts now, must be tired or in need of a cuppa.
OMG what a selfish blog, sure am feeling sorry for myself. Sorry but posting anyway, have spent over an hour between tears writing it. x x x x
