My name is Sarah and I can’t remember the last time I slept properly or had a day without feeling alone and isolated..
I have just joined this site and started to look at posts by people to see what sort of things people are discussing and how I might for my part fit into this community. I made it as far as reading some of the titles of posts before becoming overwhelmed by emotions and sadness. I know that my whole being is in such an erratic place at the moment, it’s hard to focus on anything for very long and the waves of tears and often anger seem to be constant at this time.
I am looking after my mum who has terminal lung cancer. My mum has been diagnosed very quickly after initially going to the doctors with her because of a fall at home; the speed in which this has all transpired has been so fast that it hardly seems real at the moment.
My mother Eileen is 76 and had already being showing signs of dementia when this all became apparent. I have lived with her for years and been caring for her more intensely for the past 4 years, taking care of meals and shopping and bathing etc, although sometimes a strain I have never minded and really been glad of the companionship we have shared, in the last few months her memory had began to decline quite rapidly and I had reconciled myself to the fact that I would be spending the next few years caring for my mum more and more as she most likely lost all the facets of her character that made her my mother.
7 or so weeks ago she fell over whilst outside and although not really hurt she seemed so weak to me, more than I had ever really noticed before. I wondered if it was simply that I had tried to deny the fact of her fragility to myself because I was scared, so we went to see the doctor and a barrage of tests began, within a day or so of the first chest x-ray the GP called me to say they had found a shadow over her right lung and although could not confirm without further tests, she eluded to me that it was possibly lung cancer. In some ways it seems like a life time ago and in other ways it seems like five minutes ago, now weeks later we have been told that it is a non small cell cancer and that radiotherapy may slow it a little, but her mental state is such that having to go through this would no doubt take away what little remains of her mind and personality, after much discussion with my sister we decided that we would not force mum to go through this, mum hated going for the scans and tests and was scared and bewildered for a days afterwards each time. The consultant told us last week that we may have weeks or possibly months left and I am desperate to make it all as good and comforting and loving as I can for her.
Now, now all I need is to try and get past my own feelings of grief, sorrow and anger so I can be the best carer and the best daughter and love her and keep her as safe as I can until she is gone.
