Mum slept from 8pm last night until 6.30am this morning and I had a pretty good sleep. I actually woke at 4.30am to go to the loo and mum was a wee bit restless but didn't wake and I fell over agin around 5ish. The carers came at 7am and I went next door and had a brew with Gillian and the kids. So I felt much more positive as the catheter and the lorazepam had seemed to do the trick in settling mum down.
When I went back to the house mum had been washed and dressed but had never really woken whilst they did it. She had taken her tablets and a little bit of tea but had only eaten a couple of slices of banana. Mum just couldn't rouse herself and was soon sound asleep in her chair. The day continued with mum being totally out of it and Tony came in mid morning to find mum asleep and she didn't waken whilst he was in. Mum woke about 2pm and asked if she'd had breakfast. I said she hadn't but she could have something now if she wanted. She ate a banana and drank some tea but was falling asleep as she did so. Shortly after she went back to bed fast asleep. Apart from saying hello to the GP and the district nurse when she took some bloods she slept soundly. Tony explained that this was quite normal and not a drug induced sleep which was my concern. He told me to keep going with the same drugs for tonight and then he'll review in the morning.
At tea time I woke mum up to give her her meds and see what she wanted to eat. She was just so groggy and struggling to swallow so that she choked on a couple of her tablets. She wouldn't eat anything apart from a wee bit ice cream and has had very little to drink having choked a couple of times even just with sips of water. It was very distressing to watch her gasp for breath and coughing and spluttering. I really didn't think I'd get any more oral meds into her. Nicola has already put in place a big plastic box of drugs that will be administered by injection and syringe driver for when mum can no longer swallow. It seems she was right in thinking this was about to happen.
So tonight I left her to sleep and resigned myself to her not having a settled night due to not being able to take the MST or lorazepam. However, when the carers came to get her ready for bed they gave her face a wash and she came to a little bit. After they'd gone she was sat up in bed and although still groggy she was brighter than she had been all day. After Gillian, Kieran and Charlotte had popped in to see her I settled her down to sleep but 10 minutes later she wanted up. So I got her up and sat her in her chair. I could see she was agitated and anxious as she was shaking quite badly but was scared to give her the meds in case she choked again.
At 9pm Ellie, from the hospice arrived and I talked her through the day, introduced her to mum and showed her where everything was. I said I was concerned about the meds and wasn't sure if I should give it a go. She told me to ask mum, give it a go if mum wanted to and if there was a problem we could just get the district nurse out to give her something. Mum said she would try so I gave her the MST and lorazepam and then followed this with the two big capsules for her low sodium. My heart was in my mouth but, although we had a slight problem with the first capsule she managed to get all four down. 15 minutes later mum had attempted to go to the loo although was not successful. She asked for a BIG glass of milk which she drank until she fell asleep and was tucked up in bed by Ellie and myself.
My uncle, myself and Ellie watched the end of the footy (England were poor by the way!) and then we left Ellie downstairs with mum whilst we headed upstairs. So it's 10.30pm and I am in a real bed for the first time in a week since mum came home from the hospital. I don't know if I'll sleep as I am worried about mum because she has deteriorated so quickly, and I still feel that I won't have her for much longer, but I can at least rest in the knowledge that mum is being looked after and if there is any change or she needs me Ellie will come and get me.
I asked Tony today whether he thought mums passing was imminent and he said in all honesty he didn't know. He also said if at any time he did think this was the case he would tell me. So I have to be satisfied with that. I don't want mum to suffer but would just like to have her back for a little quality time if possible as I feel our relationship has been strained over the past week. I felt awful earlier today and Gillian and I sat outside in the sunshine at 4pm and cried together.
Tonight I feel a wee bit better because I saw a glimpse of my mum just before she went back to bed tonight. The lorazepam seems to give her some peace. A little smile seems to come onto her face. I'm not sure whether I'm imagining it but I noticed it last night and again tonight. It really seems to relax her. I pray that it does anyway.
