It's been another wobbly day. Nothing seems to have sparked it off. I woke up this morning and started crying almost immediately. I find I'm seeing mum a lot in my head, a bit like a dream but I'm not dreaming. Most of the time I think I'm just going over the final days and hours in my head but I'm not just thinking about it I'm seeing it.
When I came downstairs this morning I realised my eyes were immediately drawn to my desk which is where mums hospital bed was. I made a cuppa and then went for a shower, determined to get dressed and keep myself busy. I set of to Sainsburys at around 10am and found myself welling up in the car, although I kept it under control. As I walked round Sainsburys I kept feeling like I was going to cry and left the store and headed for the car having bought nothing. I filled the car up with fuel and headed back home.
I, then, set about helping Charlotte with a review of Blood Brothers for her GCSE Drama coursework. She is limited to 2000 words and tends to waffle so it was my job to sort out the english and reduce the wordage so that she could put more meat on the bones if you will. We spent most of the afternoon on it and she's getting there although she has still got quite a bit to do. After Charlotte went home I watched some footy but fell asleep on the daybed, probably due to not sleeping too well last night.
When I woke up I made some tea and as I started to eat it I was welling up again but managed to keep it under control. All night I have found myself feeling ok one minute and overcome the next. Naomi has just text me to tell me to try and enjoy my day tomorrow and I had that lump in my throat again. Gillian and I are going for a day at the Trafford Centre tomorrow.
Gillian has taken a day of work as it's mums birthday. I wasn't keen to go anywhere tomorrow but Gillian convinced me that it would be better to get out and about. I hope she's right as I've managed to keep myslef under control today but I don't know that I'll manage that tomorrow. To be honest I don't want to stop myself from crying as I know it helps but today, so far, it just hasn't come out although the pain is there and won't go away.
Tomorrow night, if the weather permits, we are all going up to Darwen Tower to let off sky lanterns for mum. This was something I thought of for Joseph, Freya and Thomas when mum first passed away and Naomi was considering taking them to the funeral. I didn't want that and so we decided that sky lanterns being sent to mum on her birthday would be a lovely thing for them to do. It seemed a good idea at the time but I'm now hoping I can keep it together as I want it to be a happy experience for the kids.
After we've done that I'm taking Charlotte to the open evening at Runshaw College with Gillian. She has to start to make decisions about which A level she will take next year and is very unsure about what she wants to do, so she's looking at a number of 6th form colleges. So, one way or another, I am going to be kept really busy.
I'm actually thinking I shouldn't be going to the Trafford Centre on mums birthday. I haven't been for a couple of years as mum didn't like it. She preferred places like Boundary Mill and Cheshire Oaks. She always liked a bargain! Never mind I'm looking for the kids Christmas presents and she would have gone to the ends of the earth for all of them regardless of whether she wanted to go or not. In fact 2 years ago we took Charlotte and Kieran there to choose their presents, mum was a very sprightly 73 year old then and marched around all day with them. How quickly things change!
Well it's almost 9.30pm and at 10pm I will hit the chatroom and meet up with a lot of old friends from the site. I'm really looking forward to that and am hoping some people I haven't seen for a while will be there.
