It's been another difficult day. It started at 2am this morning when I woke up in a complete panic having had a nightmare, something I've rarely had. I was sweating and felt very scared. I have no idea what it was about but it really unsettled me and I struggled to get back to sleep. When I got up this morning I was very weepy and, at times, felt like I couldn't breath. That's also a new experience for me, just felt very panicky.
I watched the remembrance service from the cenotaph in London and found myself sobbing uncontrollably. I always watch it and am always saddened by the awful loss of life but this year I was inconsolable. At 12pm Dave arrived to continue to paint my house. He brought Thomas with him and my mood lifted as it always does in Thomas's company, he's such a sweet boy.
I spent some of the afternoon helping Kieran with his personal statement for uni as well as making brews for Dave and chatting with the through traffic which included Gillian, Naomi, Joseph and Freya and I have felt better for having their company.
This evening we were all discussing the summer holidays. Charlotte is going to Egypt with Naomi, Dave and the kids and Gillian and Paul are hoping to travel around France. I was saying I really wanted to go to Florida again and suggested that if Kieran wanted to go with his friend I would pay for him, as a treat at the end of his A levels, and would cover the cost of the car and the villa so that his friend would only have to pay for the flight and park tickets. Bless him, he turned to me and said why would I want to take a friend? I'd rather go with you! I felt the tears well up and he put his arms around me and gave me a big hug. What a wonderful young man he is, such a credit to Gillian and Paul and I love him to bits.
Although all of the kids were close to mum Kieran had a very special bond with her. They were like soulmates and I know he is really missing her. Going back to Florida without mum will be difficult, especially since when we were there in August 2009 she became ill after only 4 days and that was the start of mums cancer journey. I feel Kieran and I going back together was meant to be and will help with our healing. He will be going off to uni when we get back so it will be lovely to spend some quality time with him before he goes. There may be a few tears but I know we'll have a great time. Tonight I can see a small chink of light in a very dark world and I have something to look forward to.
