I went to my appointment at 3.15pm and regardless of how many people told me they would be very surprised if I had a problem I was totally stressed out before I got there and nearly didn't go in. The temptation was to go home, write my resignation, drive into school and drop it on my bosses desk.
However I did go in, I was pretty uncommunicative and the girl tried her best to put me at my ease. She even told me she was feeling negativity towards her as if she was a threat. I explained that it was nothing to do with her. I understood her role, that she didn't trust me to be back at work as soon as I felt ready. I also explained that I had sought support from my GP in the form of some bereavement counselling. She told me they could offer some counselling and I said I wanted it but not yet. I'm just not ready to share yet and I feel it would be a waste of resources for me to sit in a room with someone and not really talk because I'm not ready. She agreed that was pointless and said no counsellor worth their salt would try to force someone to talk before they want to.
The upshot is her report will say that I am not fit for work, that I am actively seeking counselling and will access it when I feel the time is right. She told me they can offer 6 sessions and I can ring her anytime that I feel I want it. To be honest having been to bereavement counselling before I know that 6 sessions probably won't be enough. I feel I would just be beginning to trust the counsellor and open up when the sessions would be terminated and I'd be left with no support mechanism just as my real emotions are surfacing. So at the moment I am not going to see the counsellor but when I'm ready if Cruze haven't got me a slot I may have to accept the 6 sessions in the interim.
I thought once I'd been I'd feel better but have come back feeling even more emotionally and physically exhausted. My boss had stressed to OH she wants me back before Christmas. Obviously I knew this before I went but having it confirmed was like a kick in the teeth considering I had explained to Colette exactly why I didn't feel I would manage that. The girl from OH said that it's up to Colette whether she accepts her assessment and could ask for a meeting but she hoped she wouldn't.
So I hoped I would come home tonight and be able to put work to one side and, instead, I feel more stressed out at the whole situation and as I spoke to the girl I realised it was because by sending me to OH my boss had succeeded in taking away a big part of my life. I've worked in the school for 20 years and have a number of really good friends there who I have cut contact with so that they don't find themselves in the middle of things. There are a couple of really good friends that I would like to reach out to tonight but, sadly, it's not possible.
I really need to put this on the back burner but am not sure how at the moment.
