When I woke up this morning I was crying, this has happened a few times and is very unsettling. Today my mum would have been 75, bless her, she was looking forward to getting a free TV licence! Last year on her birthday we had just found out 3 days before that she had terminal lung cancer and it seemed unlikely she would reach her next birthday. Then she had her chemo and went into remission and reaching 75 seemed very likely. My optimism was short lived, however, and when I think about it now I was aware in June/July something wasn't right. I now wish I had pushed for a scan sooner as we just accepted the steroids were causing the problem. Sadly by the time mum had her scan the cancer had spread to her liver, it was agressive and it was too late to do any more. I have gone through today with a very heavy heart.
Gillian and I set off for the Trafford Centre just after 9am and were there just after 10am. We had a good look round Debenhams and then headed for starbucks, my favourite coffee shop! We then had a nice time looking for Christmas presents for all the kids although we didn't actually get that many. We had a nice lunch and set off back home at about 3pm. We were home around 3.45pm and I only had a hour or so before I had to set off again, this time for Leyland, to take Charlotte to Runshaw College Open evening. We got home around 7pm and I took Kieran and Charlotte to Kung Fu at 7.45pm. Gillian and I then had a coffee and made some online purchases before I went back to collect the kids at 9pm. So I have just settled down on my own for the first time today and I am feeling fragile.
I checked my emails to find that my head had sent me details of my appointment for Occupational Health. When I told her last Thursday that I wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet she told me it would be a few weeks before I would get an appoinment. Tonight I find out it will take place next Tuesday at 3.15pm. So I've written it on the calendar and will now try and forget about it until next Tuesday, FAT CHANCE! In her email she also told me to stay strong, that I had promised mum and that I knew this was what mum wanted! That made me really angry. How the hell does she know what I told my mum or what the hell she wanted? My mum would certainly not want me to be feeling this anxious and upset about work. Stay strong! I ask you!
Last night I didn't get to sleep until around 2am. Gillian and the kids have kept me busy all day but I'm feeling really stressed out tonight and am not sure I'll sleep that well. I'm still replaying things in my head and I keep seeing events which are distressing. Why do I not see any good things? I'm not consciously thinking about anything but these visions just keep flashing into my mind, it's horrible and they make me feel so sad and anxious. I miss my mum so much and I hate that she went through all her treatment, especially the RT, with so little benefit. Yes I had her for longer but she wasn't happy. She went from being very young and fit for her age to being an old woman. She spent most of the last year sleeping, or feeling exhausted. She fought so hard and was so brave and my heart breaks that she didn't get to be her usual self again, even if just for a few weeks.
We couldn't even send up her sky lanterns tonight as it was throwing it down but on the first dry and calm evening we get we will go up to the tower and send them, all be it belatedly. My Aunt, Uncle, Fiona and wee Rebecca did manage to send one up at home so I was pleased at least one went up today.
