I woke up on Monday morning and couldn't get out of bed. Why? My back was in agony! I was fine when I went to bed on Sunday night so I had no idea why I was in so much pain. Eventually I rolled onto the floor on my hands and knees and pulled myself up to my feet by holding onto the bed and then chest of drawers.
Having got onto my feet I found myself panicking. Why was I panicking I'd hurt my back, nothing more, but immediately my brain went into overdrive. How am I going to look after mum? I need to be fit! I can't cope with a bad back! What if it's something serious and limits what I can do? I can't take more time off work etc etc.
I got myself in such a state I felt like I couldn't breath, a bit like a panic attack I suppose, I suffered those regularly after my dad died. Before mums diagnosis I would have got a hot water bottle and taken some paracetamol but suddenly my slight injury was a big deal. I was unable to go into work and rung the doctors for an appointment. No appointment until 11am today so got the heatpad and spent most of the day lying flat on my back whilst mum fussed around me.
I saw the doctor today and he said all my muscles down the full length of my spine are in spasm. So why has it happened? He says it's tension. I thought I was coping ok with mums diagnosis but he thinks that it's stressing me out and as a result I'm holding myself tense. I didn't want to tell mum this as she has enough on her plate but when I got home with my new anti-inflammatory pills, which will hopefully sort it out, she said maybe it was because I was worrying about her. I told her not to be silly. I wasn't worring as she was doing so well.
The problem now is I'm worrying more. I have to stay strong, keep fit and remain healthy so that I can look after mum but at the moment I can hardly stand up without being in a lot of pain and feel in very low spirits. I'm really confused as I felt I coped really well when things were hectic at the beginning but now that mum has had 4 chemos and the oncologist is pleased with her I'm struggling to cope. I thought about the doctors explanation that I was tense and realised that I am. I actually feel frightened. I know mum is doing well but also know it's going to come back and I suppose I'm worried about being lulled into a false sense of security and then being hit by an out of control train. When I should be happy that mum is doing so well and enjoying my time with her I am spending my time worrying about the bad things. When I talked it through with my GP I realised that when I wake up in the morning I'm aching all over. I'm not relaxed when I'm asleep and I have no control over this. It seems to be my subconscious that is the problem although it is now affecting my conscious thoughts. What can I do to relax? I can't do anything about it if I'm tensing up whilst I'm asleep. Anyone any ideas? Any suggestions of how I can get rid of the tension that's causing the aches and pains would be appreciated. The gp said the pills would deal with the muscle swelling/inflamation but that I was stuck with the tension. Surely not?!
