It's four weeks today since mums funeral. I was there but I can't accept she's gone. One minute it seems like forever since I saw her the next it's as if it was only yesterday.
With all the trouble I'm having regarding my absence from work I really feel I need to talk it through with mum. I'm realising that I've never really grown up and have always looked to mum to point me in the right direction when things have gone wrong. Who's going to point me in the right direction now?
When I was 4 my mum and dad took their eye off me for a split second on Blackpool beach and I wandered off. The beach was packed and I suddenly realised I was lost. As I wandered along the crowded beach in tears a lady who had donkeys put me on the tallest one and walked me up and down the beach to try and find my parents. When we couldn't find them she took me to the police bus. I remember being really scared because I knew we didn't go on a bus to get back to our hotel. I actually told them the name and address of the hotel we were staying at but, because I was only 4, they took no notice. Anyway after what seemed like a lifetime my mum and dad arrived at the police bus.
Today I feel as if I'm lost on that beach again but I know there's not going to be a happy ending. No tearful reunion. No hugs and kisses. No feeling of relief. Just the feeling that I'll never feel safe and secure again.
