I had very little sleep again last night, the welfare meeting hanging heavy over my head. I cried on and off all morning and at 11.30am was tempted to just not turn up. At 11.45am I bit the bullet and got myself into the car. I arrived at school at 12pm exactly and made a dash through the door and upstairs to Colettes office. My heart pounding and my stomach churning I knocked on the door and went in before I was asked, worried that I would turn and flee if I hesitated even for a second.
Colette introduced me to Maggie, the HR woman, and then asked how I was. I mumbled an answer. Did I want a coffee? No thanks. Was I sure I was ok to be there without anyone with me? Yes. Had the counsellor helped? No. You get the picture.
I, then, got concerned as I had been told Maggie was just there to take minutes but she was starting to speak. What she said came as a surprise. She said she was going to leave us to it as she felt Colette and I would be better on our own. She told me she'd just be downstairs and if I needed to know anything with regard to the process just to give her a shout.
She left and Colette tried again. Let me go and get you a coffee. Ok. Colette left the office and set off to the coffee machine. I took a few deep breaths and gave myself a talking to. Colette returned 5 minutes later and it had given me time to calm down a bit. We talked, stilted at first, but as we talked it did get easier. She couldn't have been more supportive. We talked for an hour and by the time I was leaving I think we both felt better, I certainly did. There was no pressure to return to work, far from it. She told me we didn't need to talk about when I would come back but she wanted me to know she was happy for me to have a phased return and we could look at that again later. She outlined how she thought it could work and it was more than fair. Starting by just being in the building for an hour or so to see friends for a coffee. Maybe teaching one day a week then two, not on my own but alongside Suz, who is covering for me at the moment. She assured me that she wanted to do things the way I wanted but needed to follow the protocols. As I left she gave me a big hug. She walked me out to the car and said we'll meet up again in January, once I've seen the counsellor. We agreed no more emails we need to keep talking and she text me later to tell me it had been good to see me.
Tonight I feel quite a bit better than I have for the last week or so. I felt she listened, and more to the point heard, what I was saying. She also asked about my friends who she said were really worried about me and wanted to see me but didn't want to intrude. She mentioned Clare and Julie who were the girls that came to see me just after mum passed away. So I told her it was fine if they wanted to come over but to text first. Tonight they have both been in touch and are coming over on Monday after work.
I spoke about being in a very dark tunnel on my blog a bit ago and said there had been a little chink of light. Since then the tunnel has got darker and darker and I felt I was floundering around in the pitch black. Tonight I can just see another wee chink of light and that has to be progress. I've still got a long way to go. I expect the tunnel will be plunged into darkness many more times along the way. I've no idea how long it will take me to reach the light but, I do know, I will get there and mum will be with me, just as she was today, and will always be, in my heart!
Finally, I wasn't going to put a christmas tree up this year but I've decided I'm going to get one tomorrow. Mum wouldn't be happy if I didn't.
