I've been doing ok for a week or so but could feel the emotion building up over the past few days as I approached my 50th birthday. Last night the dam burst and I dissolved in tears. I couldn't stand the thought of spending my 50th without my wee mum. I have always been with my mum on my birthday and for my 50th the plan was to celebrate it in New York, somewhere neither of us has been but always wanted to go. Sadly it wasn't to be and now I'm not even sure I could ever visit New York no matter how much I want to go.
I've got through today without tears although there have been a few close calls. I've had some lovely cards and gifts from my wonderful friends and family but it hasn't been a Happy Birthday, in fact, I'd go as far as to say it has been the most difficult 'first' without mum so far. It is also the last 'first' without mum as I've now got through mums birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day and now my birthday. It's almost 8 months since mum passed away and I miss her each, and every, day. Don't get me wrong, I am moving on and there are now longer periods between bouts of tears. In the next 7 weeks I have some big decisions to make about work but I am beginning to regain some confidence and feel more positive about my future.
Anyway, here I am, 50 years of age today and continuing to take small steps forward with just the occasional stumble along the way.
