Despite my promises to myself to give my job a fair chance it looks as though I've managed to last all of two days because after this morning I'm almost certain I can never go back again. I just don't need the stress or the misery. My job has changed out of all recognition and I just don't feel up to the challenge of learning all the new tasks they want me to take on. I had to choke back tears more than once and took in almost nothing I was being shown. All I could think of was that if watch and wait finishes and chemotherapy has to begin then I will have wasted weeks or months doing something I loathe when I could have been doing something I like.
At the same time I feel so useless for not being able to cope when there are people with cancer and other serious diseases, who have no choice but to drag themselves to work, like it or not.
Walked the long way home when I left the office but felt very tired and as though I was walking through glue. On one hand I wish it was Friday so that I can get to know my blood test results, on the other I don't want Friday to come because until a doctor tells me my blood count has fallen there is still a chance that it's OK. such a stupid way to think really!
I also feel very frustrated at my continual need to empty my bladder when I'm walking (sorry if too much information for anyone reading). For years I planned every journey or day out around needing to find a loo or a convenient (but private) bush, then about 3 years ago I had a fibroid removed and this aspect of my life was transformed. Now suddenly out of the blue about 3 weeks ago - and seemingly overnight - I reverted right back to where I had been. No sign of any infection (2 lots of antibiotics and 2 tests), so GP thought I might have irritable bladder caused by my organs still settling themselves down in the space created by the removel of my massively enlarged spleen in December.
I've been taking medication supposed to control this for almost 2 weeks now and nothing has changed. GP says she doesn't think it's a new fibroid as I had unltrasound and CT scans several times prior to my operation, and once after due to an obstructed bowel, and she thinks any new fibroids would have been noted. So I feel scared it might be a new cancer symptom (because let's face it, ANYTHING out of the ordinary causes worry in case it is a new symptom) and angry, no, VERY ANGRY that before I've even had a chance to go on holiday with my family and do normal things with them I haven't been able to do for a few years, it's all being snatched away.
