Diagnosis - 25th October 2013

After being ill for the best part of a year, I was finally diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma on Friday 25th October 2013. Every doctor and specialist I had seen had been adamant that I had some exotic infection and it was nothing to worry about so when I went to get my biopsy results I wasn't entirely expecting the news I got. Over the past 9 months I had been for various tests; bloods, ultra-sounds and a camera up my nose & down my throat (horrific!!!). I finally had a biopsy two weeks previously and even the doctor who performed it said he honestly didn't feel it was anything to worry about. I have say though, I knew deep down it was something serious. I had been struggling for a while and never felt right. You know your own body and if something doesn't feel right, you need to be relentless with your GP. They are only human and can make mistakes! My cocker spaniel buster also knew! My only symptom other than fatigue was an enlarged gland on my next. Buster was sniffing it constantly and would curl up with his head on it. When the ENT consultant said "unfortunately the biopsy shows that it is something called lymphoma" I went into a bit of a trance - I looked at Ed and could tell he felt the same. I was so worried about what this meant for him, more than I was worried about myself. I put my head in my hands to try and focus and the consultant grabbed tissues and threw at me. I looked at her and said "I don't want to cry. I want to pass out, be sick, or punch you in the face. The last thing I want to do is cry". I felt strangely calm that I finally had a diagnosis and that I wasn't going mad. She explained that it was treatable but I would need a CT scan to check if it was localised. She also told me that I would need chemotherapy and possibly radiation. It was a lot to process and I chose not to ask her any further questions at that time. I just wanted to get home. As we headed to the car park I asked Ed if he was okay. Then I said "what the f*** did we do wrong!" All I could think about was what this would do to my family. After losing my mum, father in-law and two close family friends to cancer over the past four years I felt so guilty that I was putting my family through all this again. The hardest thing was that my dad was on holiday in Majorca at the time. He knew I was getting the results and I didn't know what to do for the best. If I didn't text him, he would know something was wrong. If I lied I could never forgive myself. I am so close with my dad, he is amazing and always makes me feel better so I was desperate to talk to him. On the way home we stopped off at my mother in-laws to tell her. I told her I didn't want her to cry or hug me I just wanted her to listen. I didn't meant to be selfish but it was how I needed to deal with it and I knew if someone cried or hugged me I would get upset. While I was there I called my dad and told him not to worry, I was ok, but I had Lymphoma. I could tell from his voice he was worried but just talking to him made me feel better and I knew that he would be home the next day anyway. I text my Auntie on my way home and asked her to come over and then I called my brother. I was so worried about telling him as I didn't know how he would cope with it but he was brilliant, he was very matter of fact about it! Which was perfect as that is how I am about it too. He said he would come over after work and not to worry, it would be ok. My family is amazing. I adore my dad and brother, I am so close to them and they have been brilliant. I hate that I am making them go through all of this again but we have been through so much already and I know we can get through anything together. My husband is also my rock. I always knew he was brilliant but he has gone above and beyond what you could ever expect from your husband. Every time I thank him he says "it's my job!". Whilst our vows were "in sickness and health" I think being forced into a carer role after only a year of marriage goes way above the job description! That evening my brother and his girlfriend came over and all four of us got in bed, plus the dog! We just watched TV and chatted which was lovely. I was very calm, it's a lot to process but I am a million times luckier than so many other people. I have a treatable cancer, access to one of the best cancer hospitals in the UK, an amazing family and friends, a roof over my head, food on my plate and so much love in my life. The following day Ed was meant to be shooting. He didn't want to leave me but I wanted him to keep some normality and I knew he needed some space to process things. My brother & his girlfriend came back over and sat with me until my dad got home - he came straight from the airport. I have never been so pleased to see my daddy! He hugged me loads and told me that we would get me mended! He said he felt so helpless and he hadn't slept much of the night. I felt so bad but know I made the right decision calling him. When your whole world is turned upside down you have two options. You can give in and crumble, or you can think of the positives and just get on with it! Everyone deals with thing differently and nobody is right or wrong in how they cope. All I know is I am a strong lady and I can get through this. I don't want to cry or hide myself away. Crying makes me tired and I want to keep my energy. It's not because I am not dealing with it or because I am in denial. I know exactly what I am facing and know how tough it will be from first hand experience. If later on I want to cry, I will. But for now, I want to get on with treatment and get back on with my life!