Hi readers. Its been a while since my last blog and today this caring daughter is desprate for a break and her mothers love.
I have been caring for my mother for over 15 months now and will continue to do so until the end even if it breaks me. I have never had a easy relationship with my mother, for some reason my brothers took center stage. Reasons that i am not priviy too. ( never mind i am used to it after 43 years)
I am a honest hard working woman and in my time i have struggled, I brought up 4 children on my own for many years and suffered many indignities and many horrors including mental health problems. However i brought my children up with much love and taught them respect and honesty. My children have done me PROUD.
My mothers health is at its worst and doctors have said we have a couple of months left and i want to make every moment we have together count. Like most carer's i have been there for some of the best things for my mother throughout the last 22 years and i know i have been there for ALL the worst times.
When my mother was diagnosed i told her i would be there for her and would do whatever it took to get her through. The outlook was bleak from the start as my mothers cancer was inoperable due to her other medical conditions. Her cancer would not benifit from chemo or any other form of treatment so a death sentance we faced. How long was anyone's guess.
In September things nose divide and my mother was admitted to hospital because of a blockage 13 stents was inserted to keep the tumor from closing the bowel off completley. This operation shattered my mother and this became the start of the end of the mother i knew. My mother has gone from living with cancer to a walking corpse (sorry not intended to offend) In Febuary my mother was taken into the local hospice facility for respite care for 2 weeks as i was struggling to deal with the demands this illness had on my mother and my family.
As i said in previous blogs my mother had become a very demanding person and i began waiting on her hand and foot. My brothers never offered any help and struggled to even make contact with our mother even to support her emotional needs. I have been left to do the lot.
Once my mother came home from the hospice her demands had increased and her attitude was worse than any thirteen year old i had known and it has continued in this way even as i speak. My mother can be rude,spitefull,insulting and very ungreatfull. I dont ask for much PLEASE and THANK YOU would surfice. But the bottom line is i love this woman and understand she is also angry,frustrated,hurting and affraid so i forgive her attitude.
Until Wednesday of this week 2/5/12 when my mother seemed to push my last nerve and has left me thinking WHY DO I BOTHER??? My husband (mike) my daughter her partner and son and myself took my mother out for a meal (if her portion can be called a meal) when it arrived i said mum you have not taken your insulin (a big requirment of her's) her reply (very cockily)
I HAVE NOT TAKEN IT FOR OVER A WEEK AND HALF.......
Did i shout,scream or stamp my feet ???? NO i did not make a scene as i was in to much shock and i felt deeply hurt.After taking her home i cried the whole night long wondering why she would choose this cause of action.For 2 days i have been unable to think,eat,sleep or function. Has my mother given an explanation? no.
I have contacted her gp and they say i could exicute my power of attorney and force her to have her insulin by nurse or myself but i feel this would violate my mothers rights. (where are my rights???) the ones that say my mother is been selfish and will put her into her grave even quicker.
What have i to look forward too ?? finding my mother in a diabetic coma (just what every daughter wants) then to find she has already signed a DNR form (do not resucitate)has finished me off.
In a moment of true sadness i realise my mother stopped treating me as her daughter some months ago and treats me as her carer. Even her adult sitter gets more affection than me.
Am i jealous ??? YES I AM.
MY HANDS ARE TIED.... AND I WANT MY MOTHERS LOVE
