My Dad found out he had cancer in May 2011, of the oesophagus. I hadn't seen him properly for 4 years and on and off for 3 years before that. My bf took me up to the hospital to visit him, on his Birsthday. What I thought was one of the hardest things. But actually, today has so far been my worst through this horrible fight. My Dad has caught a chest infection and has severe amounts of fluid in his lungs. To save the upheaval of taking him to an NHS hospital for antibiotics through the vein which may not help, the best and kindest option is to keep him at the hospice and slowly stop everything to allow nature to take it's course.
Dad has a very serious chest infection and lots of fluid, however he is unaware of the seriousness as he didn't want to know the CT results. His tumour has doubled in size and is now in pretty much all the organs in his torso. We are having to say "It'll be ok, just get these anti-biotics in you" but we know he is slowly dying. He suffers bad anxiety, even before the cancer and yesterday after I went to visit him I got a text from his wife asking me and my two sisters if we can come up with a way to stagger visits so as not to frighten him, as he's getting suspicous. I have now been sitting since 9:30am, waiting for news from my sisters but have heard nothing. I don't even feel like I can text them. I feel so isolated. Because of today, because I'm the daughter who he hadn't seen in years. Friends haven't been there, think they don't know or can't deal with it. I've tried to stay strong and put on a brave face as don't want to just be always talking about Cancer.
3.5 months a go we were told he had 4months left, so we were aware this was coming but it's hit me big time. I don't have an impulse to go back up there but also feel like I shouldn't now so as not to upset anybody. I think staying away would be easier to live with then going and him getting panicky.
I feel like my family is so strained from this. It's killing everyone and I just feel numb. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I even want to do. Can't face getting dressed so getting to the Hospice feels like it'll take the last bit of my energy to do. Already under a Mental Health Centre. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone.
