the journey

2 minute read time.

my amazing dad has been battling cancer for nearly 2 years now(wish i had found this site then)i thought i would write a diary /blog of how his treatment is going. it all began back in april 2009 when a urine infection showed up a tumour on his right kidney.he was whisked in to hospital to have the kidney removed within a week and the op was a success.he felt great after the op and back to normal within days so it came as a great shock to us all at his 3 month check up that the cancer had returned.they found small nodules on his lungs and tumours in the bone(hip and bottom of back) by the start of october dad had been given the cancer drug sutent.the side effects he felt made him lose weight all his hair went snowy white,had no taste for food and nausea. the nausea was controlled with different drugs.one of the good things about this treatment was you got a 2 week break in each cycle so on his 2 weeks off his appetite returned and he started to feel better. the sutent meds kept him ticking away for 14 months.we got the news end of nov begining of dec 2010 that a tumour in the spine had grown from 7cm to 18cm so the sutent was not keeping the cancer at bay so he was removed from it. this came as a huge blow to mum,dad myself and brother as who knew what the next step would be. he suffered with pains in his legs and a scan showed a non malignant tumour compressing the spine making the legs painful so he had 2 lots of radiotherapy which def helped and shrunk the tumour.dad was told of a new drug that they wanted him to trial.sadly he was not suitable for the trial due to blood counts etc but was told there was a fairly new cancer drug called everolimus(afinitor) they wanted him to try. this however would need funding.the price was very high but like the sutent(which needed funding we were optomistic.the news back 2 weeks later was no PCT had turned us down but dads consultant had applied to another company and they said yes.dad has been on the new treatment 10 days now.the main side effect of this is such a sore swollen mouth with ulcers which stops his ability to eat and drink.he does seem quite out of it at the moment so we are contacting mcmillan nurses and his cancer nurse.

7th march 2011

dad has been admitted to hospital.for the last 4 days or so he has been quite out of it.he is very dissorientated ,grabbing for things that are not there,hallucinations,sleeping 22 hours a day.we have spoken to a nurse and she seems to think it could be to do with his type 2 diabetes as he had a urine reading of 27.8(very high) we were told to take dad to his cancer ward at the hospital where it seems it is not the diabetes but a build up of morphine pain relief(mum did stop giving him this 2 days ago as pain was ok and because he seemed so out of it)they have kept dad in for at least overnite and the morphine has been stopped. they have also stopped the cancer drug for now as his poor mouth is so sore so they want to try an get him back to better health before restarting the drug again. i will update when i have more news.

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JULY 15th 2011

    numb and sad.i read a post just now about grief and it seems so true. it is like the sea coming in waves.sometimes gentle lapping ones that have little effect then other great crashing waves that send the emotions into total turmoil and for each step forward i feel i then go 3 steps back.i know its been just under 2 months since dad died but some days it just seems unbearable and today so far i am having one of those days. very tearful and just dont care about anything else.problems dont bother me.i feel void of emotion and numb to usual things that would bother or anger me. i feel like im made of cotton wool and feel very woolly at the moment.not sure if that normal but very difficult to explain how i feel.i think ive surprised myself on not getting worked up over things that would normally set me off on a rant.it just does not seem important now and if im honest having a rant never solved anything before and just got me all het up so maybe this is a good thing as im putting things into perspective more now

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JULY 17th 2011

    ive been crabby,snappy and generally a pain most of the weekend. we had my 2 step children as well as josh(charlie was busy) and i did try to make it lovely for them.it was the youngest ones birthday last week and the eldest next week so we did a birthday weekend for them.we went and saw the new harry potter and had lunch after.

    i just found myself getting worked up over tiny things and its so not fair on the kids.they dont understand bless them and i dont expect them to either. i keep feeling my eyes well up with tears and have tried to keep them in as dont want kids seeing me upset. i feel like a failure to them at the moment as well as a nag and i need to snap out of this darkness. how i can go from being numb and not caring 2 days ago to be snappy and irritable and everything bothering me is beyond me.bloody emotions driving me nuts as no 2 days are ever the same. i have to see the dr tomorrow about some other stuff so will mention how i have been since dad died and see what he recommends

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JULY 18th 2011

    well my visit to the dr went well...i knew it would as i have the best dr ever. he is so understanding and has been our family dr for over 18 years so know us all pretty well. i saw him about some netball injuries i have got and i joked that my eldest charlie said to me at 40 i should give up playing as too old!!!! as dr d said noooo dont give up u just have to remember if u do get any injuries they take longer to heal. ive been referred to hospital with knee injury as he thinks i have fluid there and also have nerve injury to hand which is bloody painful an make take over 4 weeks to heal.

    i then moved onto the subject of dad and with that i just broke down.1st thing i did was apologise which i was told dont be daft im here for u and handed me a box of tissues. we had a long chat about my feelings,whats happened and what i want to happen. as dr d knows me well he more or less summed everything up. he said u are the type of person everyone comes to with a problem and you are more than happy to be there for everyone else but now its YOUR turn to need help...no1 u dont like to ask for it and no2 you feel that certain friends who should know u inside out should be there offering the help and thay are not.

    what he said there made perfect sense.i do want to chat to friends etc but dont want to ask but feel they should offer....my poor friends they would have no idea what to do if they read this...also i have to be in control with just about everything nd with this i am not. i have no control over my feelings and what each day will bring me. dr D had a long chat and i have several options. he know about my blog and thinks its great i continue with it as it maybe could help others( not sue how my ramblings would help any1 tho!)

    2nd option is seeing a bereavement therapist and anti depressants. i am not sure about tablets and as he said the wheels of your life are a little unstable at moment...when they fall off maybe then i should opt for tablets as short term help.......he has a fab way of putting things. the therapist may not be a bad idea..it cant hurt to chat to someone who is trained in this so will think about that. he also mentioned after chatting that us as a family all seem to be walking on eggshells not wanting to upset each other with our feelings...how true that is and that is something that we all need to address...i cant believe we are such a close family yet we fear upsetting each other when inside we are all feeling the same pain....i know my lovely dad would be mortified to think of us suffering like this so we need to sort this

    all in all it was a good visit with the dr and i have plenty to work on so sorry guys my blog will continue lol

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JULY 20th 2011

    today is a wee bit up and down but not as bad as i have been..its my eldest charlie who is not coping today.after the visit to the dr i sat and chatted with her about how we all protect each other and if we are having a bad day we dont tell each other as the other person is having a good day and we dont want to bring them down. as i said we will get through this 1 day at a time and i think charlie seeing me so upset the other day has made her realise she does not have to hold it back when she feels sad to protect me. today is sad for her. she has gone to work but sent me some texts and written on my facebook and i truly feel her pain she is going through with what she writes to me. all i want to do is give her a huge cuddle and have a cry with her.

    she is finishing early today and my husband is coming home early as my youngest josh has his prom tonight so we are all going along to see him poshed up and smart.mum gave him dads watch and i have told him he can only wear it on special occasions untill he is older(he is 14 nearly) tonight i feel is a special occasion and his grandad would be so proud of him

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    JULY 22nd 2011....time to snap out of it

    today is the start of the school holidays and for the sake of my youngest(and my eldest who works and 2 step children)  im determined to be a different person through the holidays rather than the moping irrational snappy crabby person known of late

    yes i still hurt my dad isnt here but he made me of strong stuff and his love for me and the strength and life lessons he taught me will get me through...today i have woken up feeling much more positive and i so want to keep this feeling.i know i wont always be super mum happy and smiling this holiday but i will do my damn best to make it a good 1 for us all and i know my dad will be standing right beside me pushing me on and keeping me strong so here is hoping most not all of my future post will be on a happier note

    2 months today dad since u passed.love u so much and thankyou for everything.u were made of strong stuff and as mum said i am so very much like you so its time to get strong i believe !!!!