Three years today since I completed my treatment. In previously years I have been very aware of the date. This year I had forgotten. I was only reminded because I went for my hospital check up last week and the Consultant asked me what date I’d finished my treatment. I couldn’t remember so he’d had to rummage through my file. He says I am doing fine and it’s good that I’m starting to forget details. Apparently this is all part of the ongoing recovery process.
I told him that I am feeling a lot better since I loosened the ties with Macmillan, my support group and my Mindfulness class. I said I feel mean and selfish sometimes as I had so much support myself and I always promised I’d give back to others as much as I could. My Consultant says that you can’t help others unless you help yourself first. He says it’s normal to go through this stage of needing time and space. I found his words comforting and we agreed that it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to help anyone again in the future.
I was trying to explain my feelings to a friend the other day and I ended up comparing it to going swimming. I don’t think I explained it very well because she seemed confused and asked if I’d been overdoing the Martini but I knew what I meant! As a child I was terrified of the water and I was the last person in my class to learn to swim. I spent a lot of time in the shallow end clad in water wings and a rubber ring but still refusing to let go of the side. I’d look enviously at all my friends larking around in the deep end and wish I could be up there with them. It seemed an impossible dream but eventually I got there and ended up being a strong and confident swimmer. (I even won a silver medal for 50m butterfly in a swimming gala but I have to be honest and admit that only 3 of us entered the race. I was way back in bronze position before one of the others got cramp.)
When I was first recovering from cancer I felt like I was plunged back into the shallow end of a swimming pool unable to swim. It was a frightening experience but slowly I learnt to adjust to life in the shallow end. There were plenty of others in a similar position for company and I was grateful to be there in the pool at all. I became settled and comfy there. However gradually I began to miss my old life down the deep end and I knew I had to work out a way to get back down there. I’m still not sure how I managed it but I think I slowly drifted back down to the deep end a few weeks ago. Now that I’ve got here I know it’s where I’m supposed to be and reassuringly nothing seems to have changed very much while I’ve been away.
